11/27/08: "Happy" Thanksgiving...

11/27/08

Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to ignore something, the more prevalent it becomes? I try desperately to keep my mind off babies and pregnancy, yet everywhere I go...there they are. I was standing in the checkout line today and every tabloid magazine had some type of pregnancy story: Mariah Carey, Angelia Jolie, Jennifer Garner, Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, etc. The women behind me in line was pregnant and so was my cashier. I can't escape these people, they stalk me. I'm jealous of every pregnant woman I see. Not so much babies...unless their mother's were pregnant while I was. My "website friends" are going to having their babies soon. As happy for them as I am, I can't share in their joy and that hurts. We all ttc'd and got pregnant together, I somehow fell off the wagon and it continued on w/out me.

I did not expect this to be so hard. Yesterday, we sat up the Christmas tree and it was a task, not a joy. I put all the ornaments on after Jarod went to bed while Chad was at work. I had to stop several times to break down and cry. This isn't how it was suppose to be. I expected to be big and pregnant, not empty and lonely.




Chad was upset when he saw that the tree was decorated and I didn't include him & Jarod. It's not fair for me to spoil the holidays for them and I should have waited. It just didn't seem like a joyful event. It's merely a holiday chore to me, much like the shopping, gift wrapping and social events. I'm already dreading the family gathering of my dad's side of the family. Two of my cousins are pregnant and we were due w/in weeks of each other. I have no desire to see them right now. I may skip that event entirely. I can imagine that it is just as awkward for them to see me as it is for me to see their bellies.

I didn't expect Thanksgiving to be so hard. (Today was probably a Xanax day, but I failed to think of that prior to now.) I have so much to be thankful for, yet I'm so bitter. I would have been 26 weeks today. My birthday is in a week and I'm not looking forward to it. Our childbirth classes were scheduled for that day. Terra's baby (my new friend who lost her daughter, Ella Grace at 23 weeks) was due that day. I will never look at my birthday the same again. "My birthday"...a day that should have been shared w/ Ella. Chad took the entire weekend off work and I'd just rather not make a big deal about the day. I realize that I can not go on like this but right now, I just want my daughter back. I want to be pregnant w/ swollen feet and back pain. I want someone to be planning my baby shower, not staring at an empty nursery. I don't want to get over it, I want to feel sorry for Parker. I don't want to understand that everything happens for a reason, I want God to understand that I've been through enough and this wasn't fair. I don't want to be strong anymore, it's someone else's turn. I want to turn back time and rewrite the ending. Terra is right, the hardest mom to be in one to an angel.

My mom has Parker's bear to sew the wings on. She has had it for about a week and it's been really hard not to have that in my possession. I have been sleeping w/ her blanket but it's not the same. I haven't got to hear her heartbeat. I keep buying things that remind me of her, like charms for my bracelet, Christmas ornaments, etc.


I felt Sleeping Beauty was an appropriate choice of the Disney Princesses.


"Even though we are apart we will keep you forever in our heart" is stated in the heart and below is engraved: Parker Ellen Oleyar ~Daughter and Sister~ October 11th, 2008


Precious Moments remind me of my Aunt Ruthie who passed away earlier this year. The ormament has a little girl bearing gifts that and says "Merry Christmas" below. I keep telling myself that it's not only my Christmas; it is Jarod & Chad's as well and I must try to make it merry.



Our star in the sky is represented by a star on our tree.

I'm so afraid that we will go back to our normal lives and she will be forgotten. I feel guilty that she's gone. I'm so sorry that my body failed her and I couldn't save her. Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do; and although I realize that, it doesn't hurt any less or change the way I feel. It doesn't take the ache and the hurt out of my heart. I look at her pictures and I cry. Other people are making me feel guilty for feeling this way but no one understands how much I miss her. I truly feel like a part of me is missing and I never realized how much you can love a person you've never met in such a short period of time. Although I manage to get out of bed everyday, it's going back to bed that seems to be the problem. The nights are the worst and that's when I cry the most.

The friendship that I have built w/ Terra and a few other girls who have lost their babies are what keeps me sane. Knowing that despite the fact that everyone thinks I should "get over it", the people who have been through it feel the same way I do. They validate my feelings and understand what I mean so that I don't need to explain. I don't have to apologize for wanting to cry or talk about her and they don't start squirming when I do. They understand how sick I am of hearing those stupid "God only takes the best" comments, etc. I didn't want to sacrifice my daughter for the greater good of heaven. I don't care if everything happens for a reason, my daughter was more important than any other reason. If God is so great, why didn't he save her? "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" or "You never know how strong you are until you have no choice"...well, I feel that I've done pretty well in my life and didn't need reminded of how much I can handle. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should have to. "You'll see her again" or "She's watching over you" only make me feel worse; I'm her mother, I should be protecting her. Although I understand that people say these things to make me feel better and offer comfort, they really do none of that. I appreciate that they are concerned and thinking of us but now is really not the time for a life lesson.

I don't want to be treated like I'm broken but I don't want anyone to ask how I'm doing either. For common sense sake, don't ask me what's wrong when I'm quiet...my daughter died, that's what's wrong. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I have been saying for 7 weeks..."I'm taking things one day at a time and some days are better than others". If you must know, Thursdays are particularly bad. Don't ask if I need anything, I NEED my daughter back. I will simply settle for time to ease the pain. Neither of which are things anyone can give me. Now is definitely not the time to talk to me about God...we aren't on good terms right now. When I am asked if we're going to have another baby, I get the impression that you are hinting that she can be replaced. If or when we chose to have another child will be on our terms. We will still have a dead daughter no matter how many more children we have. Nothing will ever take that away. It's very hard to sign yourself up for another chance at heartbreak. You don't appreciate the miracle of life until something gets in it's way.

Please know that if you have said or done any of these things, that we truly do understand your intentions were good. We are just tired of hearing it. We appreciate your concern as well as the fact that it is hard to understand what we feel. At times, those words do bring comfort and peace but other times they burn and sting. If I talk about it, just listen. If I don't, it doesn't mean that you can't. I don't want anyone to forget about her or to ever treat her like she is simply a lost pregnancy. Don't ever refer to her as a miscarriage. She was a baby, my baby, and she died. Just because it happened before she was born does not make her any less worthy of being treated as a person. Terra and I have been working on a "clapper" that will turn our emotions on and off for the "comfort" of those around us who think we should "get over it". So far we have been unsuccessful w/ our attempts at this invention, but for the sake of others, we'll keep trying. I absolutely mean that in the most sarcastic of ways.

Some days are better than others and I can never predict which day tomorrow will be. I can tell you that I will wake up and get out of bed for Jarod and Chad. I will go about my daily routine but I will do so with an empty belly, a hole in my heart, a tear in my eye, a new respect for life, a reserved sense of strength and for now, a fake smile. Jodi told me that it doesn't get easier, it just gets "less hard". I'll keep waiting for that. In the mean time, I'm still stuck in the moment I heard the words "there is no fluid left around the baby"....and I will hold my breath until March 5th.

12/03/08: This is just a dream....

12/03/08

I went to see my OB today. I really do like her. She makes me feel better and I know she cares. At first, I was hurt that she didn't show up to deliver Parker, the time when I really needed her the most. However, now more than ever, I'm glad that she wasn't there. I don't have to share that w/ her, I don't have to have that memory w/ her. The on-call doctor did just fine, but I have no desire to ever see him again. I share the worst moment of my life w/ him and I just don't have that warm and fuzzy feeling for him. I have said this before but I can't express how relived I am that I don't see her that way. I feel like she knows me and understands what is going on in my head. Chad really likes her too & they get along well. They both have the same deranged sense of humor.

I have never been able to shake the feeling that the breathing problem was somehow related to my water breaking. I tried very hard to simply accept what happened and move on, but I just couldn't make it make sense in my head. I have never been the type of person to just give up.

I was googling Fetal Cardiac Arrest to get a link to add to this blog and I stumbled upon something in Wikipedia that caught my eye. It lead me to a condition called Amniotic Fluid Embolism. I couldn't believe what I was reading. At first, it sounded just like what happened but as it continued, it talked about the maternal death rate being 60-80% and most don't survive past the first hour and so on. I wondered if somehow I had this reaction, just not as intense. I spent the next two weeks researching the condition. The more I read, the more I thought that the condition was too extreme to be responsible. Brain damage, heart problems, blood transfusions, etc occur in nearly every case but most don't even survive. Nonetheless, I couldn't get it out of my head. I was also scared, scared that it might have happened and could then happen again. I don't want to leave my son and husband and the though kept me up at night.

I truly expected my OB to laugh and tell me I was crazy. When I began to explain that I thought the breathing problem was related to the water, she agreed. As we went on to talk, she explained that it was more than likely my bodies’ reaction from the infection. Between the anti-biotic my family doctor gave me and the ones that we administered while I was in the hospital, it held off the infection and I was breathing fine. The Friday before I delivered Parker, I knew the infection was back based on my fever. I had one more episode the day after I delivered her. When the placenta was tested, the laboratory found an infection in it. It makes sense as to why it came and went so quickly. The few minor episodes that I had early in my pregnancy that lasted only minutes were also during times that I had infections. I can accept this explanation and live without questioning it anymore. I needed all the pieces to fit together before I could move on. Maybe that makes me an obsessive compulsive, paranoid hypochondriac.

I am so petrified of another infection occurring in another pregnancy. I have no idea how I contracted the first one or any of them...whichever it may have been. I have been told that it may have been there all along and that is why the placenta never attached correctly and resulted in the subchorionic hematoma. It's possible that infection never went away. I asked her if she could check to make sure that all signs of infection are gone now. She took some cultures and the results should be back on Monday. I guess I'll start eating a lot of yogurt.

I resumed my charting and my ovulation predictor (opk) was positive today. I told her where I was in my cycle and she just smiled, knowing that I already knew what this meant. I have a saliva ferning microscope that can be used to determine ovulation by looking for a specific pattern that develops from the hormone surge. She told me that I could have used that to check the fluid that I suspected was amniotic fluid because it will grow ferns as well. It's very hard to know I had something laying in the drawer in my bathroom that I could have used the first time I suspected that I was leaking fluid. I keep telling myself that knowing sooner would not have changed the outcome. I would have only lost those several precious days that I still thought everything was okay.

I am now officially a "high risk" and that I can continue to see Dr. Marcotte at Good Samaritan in Cincinnati. She told me to expect many more tests and appointments if and when I get pregnant. I feel better knowing that I will be watched more closely but it's still absolutely terrifying to imagine going through this again. Knowing that some of those tests can predict things offers me a little peace of mind. Beta HCG is a test done to measure that amount the HCG (a pregnancy hormone) in the body. By checking beta's every 48 hours, it can indicate a failing pregnancy. I suppose that's better than waking up to a miscarriage one morning. At least you may have time to prepare yourself for the inevitable devastation that will follow.

I'm not sure if I will even tell anyone if or when I do get pregnant. I'm afraid of what they will say or think. I'm afraid that if it doesn't work out, I just look foolish. I'm afraid that no one will be excited us and a part of them will only feel sorry for us. If I tell other people then I have to admit to myself that it's real. I will have to talk about the baby and answer their questions. I'm scared for myself. What if I'm too scared to love this baby? What if I'm just a paranoid basket case for 38 weeks? What if I have a boy and I have to paint Parker's room blue? Is it fair that in my opinion everything is Parker's? A new baby will have her room, her crib, her toys, etc. I'm not sure that will ever go away. I can't imagine what I will feel about the gender of the baby. Will I be sad if I have a boy? Will I feel like I replaced Parker if I have a girl? I so desperately want to fill my empty arms and add to our family but the fear takes an enormous toll.

I have now entered the infamous 2 week wait...thought to be the most suspenseful time w/ the die hard ttc'ers. It's the time between ovulation & being able to take a pregnancy test. Next week, I have to have my progesterone level checked. I'm not really anxious about knowing. The longer it takes to find out, the less time I spend worrying about a baby. Some days, I desperately want to be pregnant again immediately and other days I think that I'm not sure how I'm actually going to react to all this if it becomes real.

Although the song really is about a military husband dying, "Just a Dream" by Carrie Underwood repeats in my head all day....

Baby why'd you have to leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me, This is just a dream.

It describes the way I feel about my entire pregnancy. It never seemed real but its hurts to much to have just been a dream. I still can't believe this happened to me and I'm still holding my breath. Tomorrow I should be 27 weeks pregnant but instead, it will be nearly 8 weeks since I've been a mommy to an angel.

01/16/09 New Year's Resolution....

I started this blog for a few reasons:
~ I needed an outlet. I can only talk about it so much to my friends and family before they start to make comments like "Maybe you should talk to someone?". "Someone" being a medical professional. I know it's hard for them to find something to say to comfort me. I can only hear "I'm so sorry for your loss" so much before it just become drowned by my thoughts. I don't even think I hear what people say to me anymore. I needed to be able to bring my thoughts to light and make sense of them. Sometimes, when I say things out loud or write them down they come into context.
~I didn't want to keep explaining and reliving every grueling detail to everyone who asked. Whenever I am met w/ "What happened?", the reply is this link.
~Most importantly, I didn't want Parker to be forgotten. The classification of the miscarriage still makes my skin crawl and I just want her acknowledged for the baby she is. I didn't want her to be a "failed pregnancy". I wanted her to be a member of my family who passed away. I didn't want the life she never got to have to be in vain.

I get emails everyday from people telling me that they read Parker's story. Nothing makes me happier than to read this because someone is thinking of her, acknowledging that she is real, loved, missed, etc. I know that when most people pass away they say "Don't cry for me..." but I'm glad people cry for her. It not only means that they understand how unfair her loss was but that they understand how important she is to us. The site meter counts clicks onto the site and it still amazes me to see how many people log on each day. Actually, it makes me feel bad when I go a month and a half w/out updating her blog.

As far as the last month and a half go..... I left my last entry at the "suspenseful 2 week wait". I started taking pregnancy tests way too early, read entirely too many books, spent enough time on Google that I should have been offered a job and of course, got my hopes up way too high. Chad was nearing the point of telling me I was losing it. At one point, he picked up my pill case and said "Don't you think this is a little overboard? You are taking 14 pills a day." He dared not tell me to stop all the madness. I know that he can't even fathom the amount of money I have spent of ttc a baby. The fertility monitor, books, ovulation detectors, home pregnancy tests, vitamins, etc....are not cheap items. These companies know a women desperate for a baby will spare no expense.

I had my progesterone levels checked at cycle day 21 and told the nurse who called to give me my results that I thought I was pregnant. I had every symptom. However, my period started two days earlier than expected. I was devastated.

Later that day, I came home and checked my Myspace only to find an entire page of baby updates from people that I really don't know. I had over 100 people on my profile from different message boards. My updates, bulletins, etc were cluttered w/ nothing but pictures of pregnant bellies, ultrasounds and babies. I lost it. I slammed the laptop closed, bawled in the shower until the water ran cold and cried myself to sleep w/ sopping wet hair. The next day when I opened the laptop, it immediately returned to my myspace page. I began to tear up and then I remembered something: it's called MY space for a reason. All these people had to go. I felt bad just deleting people who cared enough about me to actually want to be my friend and read my blog, so I sent out this bulletin:

I have added a ton of wonderful ladies to myspace from my pregnancy/baby websites. I really appreciate all the support that each of you have given to me through everything and even now. It means so much to me.

However, some things are just too much for me to handle. I log on to myspace as an "escape" from my day and my thoughts. Lately, it's had the opposite effect and I usually log off in tears.

Over the next few days, I will be deleting several people. Please don't take it personally. There are some things that I need to remove from my everyday habits. The baby websites being one of them. It's hard to do because I have made so many wonderful friends but the end result is that I feel like I'm suffocating. It's harder to log on and see the pregnancy updates and pictures of the people that I don't know in "real life". ((I hope that makes sense.)) It's easy for me to be happy for my pregnant family members and long time friends. It's easier for me to be jealous of the people that I don't know personally and wish that I could share in that joy of being pregnant or having a baby.

I know that many of you wanted to follow Parker's story and wanted to be able to view my blog. I truly appreciate that, with all my heart.
I have made a blog for her at www. parkerellen. blogspot. com.
Please feel free to follow her story there. You are more than welcome to comment there as well.

I really hope that I don't offend anyone but at this point, I need to do this for me. I have not deleted my profiles on the baby websites but I have no plans to log on....at least not until I feel that I am ready to deal w/ it. You have no idea how hard it is to listen to people bitch, whine and complain about how hard it is to be pregnant. I remember feeling that way w/ Jarod's pregnancy but right now, it just makes me bitter and angry. I'm barely sleeping or eating and getting through the day is a struggle in itself. I don't like the way that I feel and I can't keep going on like this. It's consuming my life and it's all I think about. Everyday is the same...."Today I would be 29w 5d pregnant" and "I would be feeling the baby move like she does" and "My belly should be that big" etc, etc, etc.

Again, I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings when I delete them. Please know that it's not anything personal or anything that you did specifically. It's just the overall effect of the fact that my myspace has basically turned into BabySpace. I have nearly 250 friends and over 100 of them are from the baby websites. Clearly, you can see why this is turning into such a huge problem for me.

I'm hoping that over the next few days, everyone has a chance to see this bulletin. I suspect that once I remove myself from your page, my bulletins will disappear as well. I don't want anyone to think they did anything that offended me. If I have some time to myself, then I may send everyone a message as well.

I hope that all of you have safe & boring pregnancies and healthy & happy babies. I wish you all the Happiest of Holidays and will try my best to do the same for myself.

Love,
Shannon

I got a ton of messages from those girls saying that they understood, which made me feel so much better. When I log into Myspace, I see the people that I know in real life and maybe 5 of them are pregnant.

I skipped the Christmas party on my dad's side of the family. I had three pregnant cousins and countless babies there waiting to taunt me. Ironically, I was ill that day anyway. Very few people asked where I was and the ones that did understood why I didn't come. I'm sure the rest of them probably knew. However, I do have a big family, so maybe they didn't even notice I was gone.

As far as Christmas day went, I promised myself "one cry, that's it". I chose to take advantage of that first thing in the morning and spent about a half hour in the shower crying. (Personally, I think we need a bigger water heater.) I so wanted to be able to tell Chad on Christmas day that we were going to have a baby but that wasn't happening. I pulled myself together and went about my day. We had a good Christmas. Jarod was pleased w/ what Santa brought. I must admit that I was happy when the day was over. It didn't feel like Christmas this year at any point. Just more like a motion that I had to go through. Although this year will always be embedded in my mind, I doubt that I will recall anything from the day. My sudden unexplained breathing problem returned and I spent the majority of the evening struggling to pull out of it.

New Years was much the same story. Chad had to work, Jarod (who has the social life of Paris Hilton) was at a friends house, my friends were busy and I was all alone. I'm sure I could have found something to do if I really wanted to but who am I trying to fool, I didn't want to. Chad and I got in a huge fight before he left over something so stupid that I can't even recall what it was. Prior to the argument, my breathing issue returned and continued through out the night.

I spent the evening cleaning and thinking. The only thing that I was thinking about was ovulation and wondering if we timed sex correctly. As the hours dragged on and my house got cleaner and cleaner, I realized this was never going to stop. I live my life in cycle days. Today was not December 31st, it was cycle day 13. Once I ovulated, it would be ___ days past ovulation. I thought about nothing all day long except babies and how to make one. I wasn't sleeping the night through because I was waking up w/ anxiety about missing my temperature taking time. This, in turn, was throwing my basal body temperature off due to the interrupted sleep.

At some point, I realized that I was done. All the spinning in my head just came to a dead stop and it felt like a book slammed shut. I packed it all up... the $200 fertility monitor, every pregnancy test, ovulation detector, book, vitamin, etc in a tote box. Sex makes babies, nothing else and this is pointless. The next day, I asked Chad to put it in the attic. I told him that my News Years Resolution was to stop trying. When and if it happened, then it happened. He knew I was full of crap, but he played along.

When I walked into work on January 2nd, I was still struggling to breathe. My co-workers claim my skin was almost blue. I made an appointment w/ my family doctor. This time, I was had a chest x-ray and was given another breathing treatment. I left w/ a rescue inhaler. Later that night, we bought air purifiers for our bedroom, the living room and the main area of the house. We changed our furnace filter & put filters in every vent in the house. Although I was hoping that I wouldn't need to use it, I am pleased to report that the inhaler successful pulls me out of these breathing episodes in a matter of minutes. The air purifiers don't seem to be making a difference.

Deidre and Rachel invited me to go see "Marley & Me" with them a few days later. I was looking forward to making an afternoon of it. I had seen the previews....it was a movie about a dog, it looked cute. The day before the movie, Rachel approached me at work and informed me that there is a loss of a baby in the movie and said that they would understand if I didn't want to go. I paused only for a moment before saying that I would be okay. I stewed the rest of the day about that decision. I didn't want to ruin the movie for them by being a hot mess in the theater. Before I met them to leave, I took 2 Xanax. I made it through the movie, much better than I expected and I did enjoy my evening w/ them.

I decided that I wanted a cute and cuddly kitten. I found one that I fell in love w/. She immediately crawled into my arms and up on my shoulder. She thinks she's a parrot....so we named her Polly Skuttles. (Skuttles is the name of the bird on "The Little Mermaid" and Jarod was very adamant that must be part of her name!!) Our fat cat Lazlo (also named by Jarod) has been ruling the house for 2 years so he was anything but amused when she joined our family. Until January 21st, she has claws and Lazlo does not. It only took him a day or two to realize he needed to compromise w/ her claws. Lazlo may be smart but Polly is fast. It has been quit comical to watch the two of them together. They both sleep in my bed, Lazlo at the foot as usual and Polly near my head. For some reason, she likes to "rake" my hair. It doesn't hurt and she never get tangled in it but it's rather odd to have my cat petting me to sleep!!

I'd like to tell you that I have willpower but I would be lying. I called my doctor for another progesterone level on cycle day 21. (Progesterone is secreted by the corpus lutem after ovulation. It does this to maintain pregnancy. If no pregnancy results, then it immediately ceases production of progesterone and the immediate loss of it signals your period to begin.) I was annoyed because there had been no defined spike in my temperature so I couldn't confirm that I had really ovulated. None of the normal signs were there for me. I thought that this result would tell me whether or not I ovulated and maybe, just maybe give me an indication of pregnancy if it was much higher than last month. My doctor said no to the test and that it wasn't necessary because last months' level was fine. I freaked out, I cried, I paced in my office at work and I panicked. This meant that I was going to have to wait for my period to start to find out if or when I ovulated. The next day, despite my knowledge and better judgment, I got the pregnancy tests out of the tote box and took one. Negative. I threw the test into the trash can but missed and it bounced off the wall, which broke the cap off and resulted in my having to wipe pee off the wall.

Being that it was a Thursday, I went on w/ my day reading about what Parker should be doing at 32 weeks gestation....knowing that had she been born today, she probably would have made it. Remember, Dr. Marcotte told me back on October 10th that my goal was to reach 32 weeks. Looking back, knowing that 13 weeks have passed made me realize, once again, just how very long that was to have to hold on.

01/16/09 The one thing I'm absolutely sure of...

The next day, which was Friday, January 9th was no different. I raced to pee on another pregnancy test first thing in the morning. When I looked at the test after a moment or so, I saw only one line. I threw that test in the trash....of course, not hard because I did learn my lesson from yesterday. After another minute passed, I found myself digging through the trashcan to look at the test again. I saw a near invisible line. I was sure it was the indentation where the dye would fill if it was positive. Still, I couldn't stop starring at it. I had never noticed that before on any of the other 800 pregnancy tests I've peed on. I came into work toting my pee stick and an unused pregnancy test. I proceed to pass around my pee stick begging my co-workers to tell me that they see this line too. Indeed they do, so I send "totally sure I'm not pregnant" Rachel to the bathroom to pee on my "control" pregnancy test...made by the same brand and out of the same box. Upon review in every single light source available at work, we determine that Rachel's test did not have this mystery line on it. (Thank goodness that I work w/ 4 other women who are not ashamed to pass urine soaked sticks around.) I called my doctor for a beta hcg blood test and waited for more pee to build up. You can not simply drink fluids to make this happen as it dilutes your urine sample.

At 1pm, I left work on my lunch break and collected one of every brand of pregnancy test I had at home. I'm embarrassed to admit that number totaled five. I peed in a cup and dipped them all. My prized Clearblue Easy digital test was the hardest to look at. The most annoying hourglass flashes on the screen while the test is working...almost as if it's saying "wait, wait, wait, wait..." and it also will display the words NOT PREGNANT or PREGNANT. It's much harder to see NOT PREGNANT in text than it is to decode the meaning of only one line. Therefore, I watched the others develop and almost closed one eye when I looked at the digital. I took a breath and looked down at it laying on the paper towel amongst it's 4 competitors. PREGNANT. I gasp for air. I was stunned, amazed, elated and petrified. I wrapped the digital test in a box for Chad to open later. I went to the lab and had my beta hcg level checked.

Chad called me at work when he had woke up and opened the package. He was just as excited. Although he will probably never admit it, he's probably just happy that I'm going to be the hormonal pregnant wife instead of the "I hate the world" trying to get pregnant wife.

On Sunday, I had another beta hcg test. The purpose of the test is to ensure that the numbers are doubling every 48 hours. I would get Friday & Sunday's results back on Monday. I can assure you that I must have peed on 20 more pregnancy tests...."just to make sure" over the weekend. Chad and I agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone until I was in the second trimester. Parker's due date will arrive when I am 10w5d pregnant. I won't be showing by then and I really wanted to close one chapter before beginning another. I made a post on the "suffering and loss" forum of one of my message boards about pregnancy after a loss & when we should announce it. I was surprised by the responses that I received. Many women stated that they were planning to wait until the second trimester incase they lost the baby...only to lose the baby prior to that. At that point, they struggled to cope w/out the support of their friends and family....because they didn't know she was even pregnant. These grieving couples were then calling family to inform them that they were pregnant but lost the baby. No one recommended waiting to me because each life is a celebration, regardless of the time (s)he spends w/ us. No one can grieve over the loss of someone that they didn't know existed. I decided that maybe we should just wait until we detect a heartbeat on the ultrasound in a few more weeks. Now, we are at the point where we will tell people when it feels right.

I knew that I could never keep it from my mom and was wondering how I was going to avoid her for the next 3-4 weeks. She has a sixth sense about pregnancy and I knew that once she was in the same room w/ me...she would just know. I was successful in avoiding her for two whole days. On Sunday, my excitement took over and I invited her to go to Lima w/ me. Once in the car, she asked why we were going to the hospital, I told her that I needed to have blood work done on this cycle day and the hospital lab was the only one open. After we left the hospital, she asked what the blood work was specifically looking for. I informed her that hcg is a hormone only secreted by pregnancy and what it meant when the numbers doubled. She paused for a moment before saying "Ohmigosh, are you pregnant?" She was just as excited and promised me that it was a girl. Actually, she claims it's twin girls.

Monday took forever to arrive. I was making myself wait until after I dropped Jarod off at school to call my doctor's office for my test results. However, my favorite nurse must have sensed my anxiety and called me at 7:50am w/ the news. Friday's beta was 11. Sunday's beta was 41. It quadrupled!! Needless to say, I was relieved and amazed by the sensitivity of those home pregnancy tests!! Monday came and went and my period never started....sealing the deal that this is real.

I am desperate to find the underlying cause of this breathing problem that continues to plague me. At this point, I am using the rescue inhaler nearly daily. My family doctor tells that during my pregnancy, the rescue inhaler is all they can really do for me. I called someone to clean the duct work in our 2 year old home. The company showed up, blew one duct out and said they were not taking our money or cleaning air ducts that weren't dirty. We can call them back in 5 years. We had a private environmental company come in and do a complete inspection on our house looking for anything that could be triggering these asama or anaphalyctic shock-like attacks. They found nothing. They took air samples from the house and said the results would be back in a week but because they found nothing that would contaminate the air, they don't expect to find anything in it. Everyone is telling me that what I am experiencing is a panic attack. I disagree for a variety of reasons, but will continue to search for information on what causes them. I suppose that I can rule nothing out.

I know that I shouldn't care what people think, because it is my life, however I can't help but wonder how many people are going to think this was too soon. I can assure you that it doesn't feel like it's too soon. My arms are still empty, Jarod still wants a sibling, we still want a baby in the nursery and we still want to grow our family. I am grieving for Parker yet excited to celebrate this new life. Anyone who suspects that we are trying to replace one child w/ another has never lost a child. Words can't begin to describe how it's possible to be devastated and elated at the same time. Nonetheless, I still question what others will say.

If you are reading this blog and are a close friend or family member who didn't know, please don't feel left in the dark. It's not a secret but it's not an announcement either. Gossip has a way of spreading itself, so I shall let the grapevine do my work. Jarod does not know and we would really like to keep it that way for now. After the loss of Parker and Art & Ruthie, he can not bare the weight of another. We plan to tell him once we see the heartbeat. 33-34 weeks is still a very long time to wait to meet a baby brother or sister.

From the beginning, I had a feeling of doom w/ Parker's pregnancy and thoughts of her loss always raced my mind. Although I will be considered high risk and monitored much more closely, I don't have that feeling w/ this pregnancy. My due date is September 25 and I can vision myself bringing a baby home then. Of course, there are things that cross my mind and terrify me but I don't feel helpless. I found a product called "Amniosense" made by a company in the UK. It's a pantyliner which turns green when amniotic fluid touches it. It is a FDA approved product in the USA but available only by prescription. I am now the proud owner of two boxes of them, which arrived today from the UK. I hope I never need them, but the peace of mind they will bring me is all that matters. My first OB appointment is Monday, Jan 19th and I'm eagerly waiting to find out what the schedule for next eight months of my life will look like.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do w/ Parker's blog. It is her story and was started for the reasons listed above. Adding another baby to the story feels like I'm taking attention away from her. On the other hand, the two are so closely entangled. Hopefully, my readers will tell me what to do. I could always start another blog.

We quickly agreed on the name Carter Evan for a boy. Evan means "little warrior" and Chad means "warrior". I am pushing for Lainey Elyse for a girl. Bobbie pointed out the similarity between Lane/Park....Lainey/Parker and that confirmed this must be her name. (I'm pretty sure that I have Chad sold on the name as well. Don't worry, I'll win!!) Ironically, Lainey is also a form of Ellen. I strongly feel that I am pregnant w/ a girl but only time and an ultrasound will tell.

The one thing that I am absolutely sure of is that this IS my spirit baby.

We have started a new blog for baby #3 at www.crossingourfingersfor3.blogspot.com. I will continue to update Parker's blog as I feel the need to do so.

2/06/09 Parker's wish...

I stumbled upon a website today called wishuponahero.com and it really touched my heart. I spent my entire evening there reading wishes and realizing how truly grateful I need to be for the things I have in my life. Apparently, the site will only allow you to grant 7 wishes a day.....which was a little disappointing for me. I have a few saved and I'm sure that tomorrow will draw me back as well. I posted a wish for Parker on the site in hopes that others will follow our lead and release balloons on her due date with the link to her blog inside. I have to do something for her and she has to know just how much we truly love and miss her. http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=83362

The cause of my breathing problem has potentially been found. The air samples that the environmental company took came back saturated with aspergillus/penicillin spores. I have always know that I was allergic to penicillin so I feel it's pretty safe to assume this is the cause of my problem. The company searched every nook and cranny of our home looking for the source of these spores. The outside air contained zero spores on the day the sample was taken so it has to be growing somewhere in the house. They were able to find a few tiny spots of mold growing on a board in our crawlspace. Chad was given specific instructions on what we could do to get rid of the mold and prevent excess air from rising from the crawlspace. He did those things and with the help of 3 air purifiers, the problem has improved tremendously. I was at the point where I was using the rescue inhaler 3-5 times a week and over the last 2 weeks, I have not used it at all. What a sigh of relief that was for us.

I will update a few things about the pregnancy here, as many of you have asked, until I can get the new blog going. I have had my fair share of scares already in my short 7 weeks. I have experienced a lot of spontaneous spotting that my doctor credits to my sensitive cervix. I have been put on progesterone supplements as well. We had our first ultrasound on February 4th at 6 weeks and 6 days. We were relieved to see a jelly bean sprouting arm and leg buds!! Baby has a strong heartbeat of 142 bpm that we could both see and hear. No matter how many times you hear it, the sound is incredible. Everything else looked great and no signs of bleeding were found on the scan.

I am trying so hard to stay positive but every trip to the restroom that yields more spotting is another stab to the heart. I like to say that I am cautiously optimistic but I am really scared to death. I can't go through this heartbreak again. I can't lose another child. I feel that once again, I'm back to holding my breath. I appreciate every pregnancy symptom, bout of nausea and my sore boobs.

Jarod confronted us on Sunday evening to ask if my belly was bigger because there was a baby in it. Of course, dinner was the reason for the belly but we did tell him. He's ecstatic. I pray that I don't let him down again. He asked if we could name the baby Parker and we explained that we already had a baby named Parker. He nodded in agreement and stated that he would start thinking about a name. I had to laugh to myself for a moment thinking of the names he has picked out for our pets (Lazlo, Polly Skuttles, Icecream, Mosquito, Agent 99, Eugene) and wondered what on earth he would come up with for a baby. I wait in anticipation to hear his selections.

I have small goals that I keep looking forward to. Our first visit with Dr. Marcotte, the MFMS, and another ultrasound is next on February 18th. It makes the pregnancy seem more achievable. September is so far away and unfortunately I know just how true the statement "there is no safe zone of pregnancy" really is.

2/24/09 For all the things that money can't buy, there is little hope.

I wish I had something optimistic and positive to write about but I don't. Today, this will be my venting outlet.

I saw Dr. Marcotte, the MFMS on Feb 18th and it was a train wreck. The traffic once we got to Cincinnati was ridiculous and it takes a lot for me to say that. There was not a single parking spot open in the entire parking garage at the hospital so we drove around it for 20 minutes. The ultrasound tech found another subchorionic hematoma on the ultrasound. Yes, you read that right.....here we go again. At this point, I was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. By 12-13 weeks, the amniotic sac completely fills the uterus and it "seals" at that time. Dr. Marcotte explained that the hematoma really needed to be gone by that point so the sac could seal. If it's not gone, then I have a 50/50 chance of bringing home a baby.

Dr. Marcotte wanted a urine sample and peeing in a cup isn't good enough now days, so they collected it with a catheter. They attempted it twice before they were successful. I had the flu and even the world's best nausea medication can't make that miserable feeling go away. I needed blood work done as well and the phlebotomist used a needle the size of a straw to collect it. We spent over 4 hours there and then had to drive home.

Chad and I barely spoke to each other on the way home because neither of us knew what to say. We did agree that we are both having a hard time being hopeful about this baby. I kept thinking that I just simply could not go through this again. Then I realized that I had no choice. I made the decision that if we lose this baby then we are done. I can't justify bringing babies into this world only to let them die before they ever have a chance to live. I can't even put into the words the thoughts that ran through my mind.

Terra told me about a perintologist that specializes in hematological disorders of pregnancy who is at the OSU Medical Center. I needed a referral to see him. I went in to discuss this w/ my OB-GYN and unfortunately, she sent me home w/ 450 mg of Welbutrin instead of a referral. She told me that there is just nothing that can be done for these hematomas and that they are not uncommon. It doesn't make me feel better and I cried halfway home. I already know that I can be the statistic. I already know that I am the measly 5% of pregnancies. I feel like I'm doing nothing but counting down the days until it all falls apart. She scheduled my next ultrasound for March 17th...I'll be 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

My body has 3-4 weeks to heal a bleed the size of a ping pong ball. I'm not optimistic, I'm devastated. I try to make plans and talk about the baby but it just feels surreal. The idea of bringing a baby home is no longer realistic and I have given up. I just can't keep my hopes up when reality is staring me in the face. I have an ultrasound scheduled tomorrow at the private clinic in Columbus, which insurance does not cover and I have no expectation that this hematoma has shrunk. Everyone keeps telling me to be positive and hopeful but I really don't have any optimism left in me. Chad and I rarely talk about the baby and change the subject whenever someone else brings it up.

I scheduled an ultrasound for March 25th at the private clinic to find out the gender at 13 weeks, 6 days. The hematoma with Parker started bleeding out at 13 weeks, 2 days when the sac had grown large enough to force the blood to go somewhere. I decided that if the hematoma is not gone, then we are not going to the ultrasound. It's too hard to continue to get close to a child that will never come home. I'm sure that sounds cruel because this child deserves no less than Parker but I just can't pretend that everything is going to be okay.

Everyone promised this wouldn't happen again....the odds were so slim, my condition so rare and what happened to Parker was just a series of unfortunate events. I seem to be cursed. I know why my doctor gave me the Welbutrin but I don't think it's working. I'm scared, I cry a lot, I hate the world, I'm sad and I'm in limbo. I haven't taken any pictures of my belly, I haven't shown off my ultrasound pictures, I avoid my baby websites, I don't eat right and I barely leave the couch once I'm home from work. I don't feel pregnant. Every trip to the bathroom makes me wonder if today will be the day or if God is going to drag this out longer. How far will I get this time before it comes to an end? Will I ever feel this baby move? Will I know when my water breaks this time or will it be another surprise? I can't pick up the babies' heartbeat w/ my doppler...is that because of the babies' position or because it's not there anymore?

I'm upset for telling Jarod that I was pregnant. The child can't handle another death. Every stuffed animal he owns and the avitars on his video games are named Parker. He must have overheard us telling someone about the hematoma because he told his friend, Austin, that this baby didn't have any water either. Austin asked me about it and I had to explain to Jarod that the baby still has water, this is a different problem, yet the same problem as last time....sort of. He asked if this baby was sick like Parker and I told him "not yet". I quickly corrected myself but he asked if this baby was going to be born alive and I had to tell him "I really hope so but right now we just have to wait and see." My son was a straight A student until the second semester of school. His grades are C's now. I feel like a horrible parent. My first grader should not be handling adult stress. This is not fair to him. Tomorrow, I'm going to find a grief councilor for him. I jut don't think he's coping well w/ all this.

I'm on pelvic rest, I stay off my feet, I don't lift anything, I barely clean my house, my husband will forget what sex is and yet all the baby websites say that it probably won't make a difference anyway. If I spend more than 9 hours a day away from home. I panic that I'm doing too much. I put on this fake happy face for everyone. I go to bed early and I sleep too much. I still have 2 payments to make to the hospital to pay for Parker. Actually, what I'm still paying off is my insurance deductible which covered the 2 trips to the ER when the hematoma began bleeding out and was incorrectly diagnosed as placenta previa. I'm still paying Discover Card for her memorial service. I have a completely furnished nursery behind a door that is closed again. I should be 38 weeks 5 days pregnant and complaining about how I can't see my feet which have swollen to the size of a bowling ball. Instead, I'm back to square 2. Getting pregnant was only 25% of the battle. Getting past the hematoma is 25%. Getting to the baby to the viable point of gestation is 25% and bringing home a baby is the other 25%.

and....I'm still holding my breath.

03/05/09 Today is Parker's Due Date....

and we let balloons go in memory of her that included a link to her blog. If you were brought here by one of her balloons, please send us an email letting us know how far her balloons made it. parker.ellen@earthlink.net


Thank you,

Chad, Shannon & Jarod

3/19/09 Speachless

((I wrote this post in March and left it in drafts. I didn't have the courage to post it, in fear of what others would think. I guess what it boils down to is that it's my life and I have the right to feel the way that I do. I've spoke w/ many other women and I've learned that I'm not alone in the way that I feel.))

I don't even know what to write. Usually the box pops up and I start typing and I start where I left off. Today, I just don't feel compelled to do that.

Parker's due date went quickly and she stayed on my mind all day. We released some balloons in her memory and I promised her that we would do it every year on her birthday to keep her memory alive.

Part of me feels guilty for being pregnant, like I didn't mourn her long enough or that she may think we "got over" losing her. I cry for her often. I look at her empty bed, think about how she would be here and I'd be home on maternity leave w/ her right now. I'm sure you can imagine what goes through my mind.

Now, I'm fighting another demon...my heart, my guilt, my disappointment. I'll cut to the chase. We are having a boy. Aside from the fact that I have a pink nursery, a wardrobe of baby girl clothes, no hair to braid, no barbies to play with; I lost my spirit baby too. I'm really pissed at God again. I just wanted a baby girl, I had one and he took her. Why is he doing this to me?

Instead of ruffles, bows and "princesses" all the clothes have bugs, trucks and say "little monster" on them. I don't want a monster, I want a princess. I also wanted a baby and I have a baby. Lots of women just want a baby and they don't care if they have a boy or girl and here I am....crying because I didn't get a girl. After all I have been through, shouldn't I just be thankful that he's healthy? I found an entire message board for support of "gender disappointment" but it doesn't help w/ the guilt that I'm feeling about being disappointed. I only hope those of you reading this can somehow comprehend what I'm feeling but can't quiet explain. I love my baby and I know that I will love my baby even more when he's in my arms but that doesn't help with today or the way I'm feeling right now.

I did buy some boy baby clothes and we are looking at new themes for the nursery. I don't really know what to do w/ the things I already have. Keeping them seems silly but I can't bare to part w/ them either. It feels like I'm giving up on a dream. I've been told "So, try again for another girl in a few years." It's just not that simple.

As far as my hematoma, it started bleeding out at 11 weeks. It's still visible on the ultrasounds but it does appear to be shrinking. The bleeding is absolutely nothing like the bleeding that I experienced w/ Parker. My OB isn't concerned and I'm not as worried either. I have been doing weekly ultrasounds and plan to continue doing that in order to keep a very close eye on it. There will be no surprises for me this time.

5/26/09 Update

So many of you have asked how we are doing and we appreciate that so much. Here is a much needed update.

On April 1st, we were told that the hematoma was barely visible but there was no longer any measurable blood in it.

On April 28th, another ultrasound confirmed that it is completely gone and no longer visible. Relief can't even begin to describe what we are feeling.

To date, I've had 2 more ultrasounds since and they continue to reveal a very healthy and happy baby. He is packing on the pounds and a little ahead in terms of development. Ironically, we have been told numerous times that he has a ton of amnio fluid. He is already gaining fatty tissue and the ultrasound tech tells me that he's going to be a little chunker. Each ultrasound completely confirms that he is very much a boy. We are planning to name him Carter Evan.

Here is our 21 week scan photo:



I have gotten over the disappointment of Carter being a boy. All kinds of things have ran through my mind....maybe I'll do better w/ a boy, boys are easier, etc etc etc. I found a bedding set, bought a closet full of new clothes and have done a lot of soul searching.

I do know that Carter is my spirit baby. Gender makes no difference, Parker's spirit will live on regardless. She wasn't born into a world of pink bows and ruffles, she didn't know she was a girl. I don't know how to explain the way that I feel but I'm really okay with him being a boy. I really had no other choice anyway. I wanted a baby and I have a baby. I feel him move, kick and recently hiccup. It's incredible and I'm in love with him so much.

I still cry for Parker nearly everyday. It's been well over 7 months since we lost her and yet the pain is still so vivid and sharp. She would have been 2 1/2 months old now. I wake up in the middle of the night occasionally (to pee) and she's on my mind. I wonder if I'd be getting up to feed or change her if she were here. We moved several totes of things that I wanted to keep to the attic. We sold a bunch of girls clothes and her bedroom decor. I cried when I walked out of the UPS store after shipping out her room decor, feeling as if I gave another part of her away. I'm looking forward to getting our backyard finished so that I can make her special spot. I miss her. I feel lost without her.

I realize that Carter is very much here for a reason. I worry about him daily. I've said it before but it doesn't carry much weight until you are in this position: You don't appreciate the miracle of life until something gets in its' way. When you know what can go wrong, it's amazing that anything ever goes right. I'm having bi-weekly ultrasounds to monitor my cervical length and they keep me sane. 2 weeks is about the point where my mind wonders and I worry...luckily an ultrasound is only a few days away at that point. It's very hard to maintain a level head and trust that my body will cooperate. As of today, I'm 22w and 5d. I've already made it past the point where I lost Parker but I'm nowhere near a "safe" zone. I don't think I'll ever feel safe until I'm full term.

I feel great and pregnant. I'm getting plump, my maternity clothes fit, I pee a lot and I have all those aches and pains that I've longed for. I love to feel Carter move. He likes to stay of the lower right side of my belly and curl up in a ball. He makes my stomach hard as a rock and lopsided when he does it. It's very amusing to watch. Chad and Jarod have felt Carter move as well.

I've managed to keep myself busy. My "mentor mommy" training is complete w/ the Women's Center and I'm hoping to begin my volunteer work in July. With the help of my mother, we opened our own boutique store selling handbags. I have no plans to leave my full time job. Somedays, I feel as if I am juggling a lot and other days I realize how nice it is to have something else to focus my attention on. I just hope that I'm not neglecting any one of my titles. Obviously, being a good mommy & wife are my primary concerns.

Jarod's birthday is approaching in about 3 weeks. Parker's conception date and the date that I found out I was pregnant will come and go, but not unnoticed. Everyday is one day closer to bringing home my baby boy.

06/08/09 The teacher, the healer and the mystery...

I still try to make sense of Parker's loss. There is always going to be a hole in my heart, for she took that piece with her. I don't need to fill the gap in my heart but rather the one in my head. I struggle w/ spirituality, peace and perhaps religion. It's the questions that don't have answers that keep me awake.

I read books about angel babies, spirit babies, miscarriages, reincarnation, etc but nothing makes sense to me. Nothing justifies or explains her loss. People say "Everything happens for a reason." but I want to know why. If it was meant to be, then why? I just wish I could find the explanation. I just need it to make sense in my mind. Karma is the closest thing that I can find.

Maybe I jinxed her over a year before she was even conceived. Maybe all my thoughts and worry about losing a child that prevented us from making one sooner contributed to her demise. Did I know this was going to happen all along or did I bring it on myself? If I had known how the story ended, would I have read the book? If I knew she would die, would I have given her life? I'd like to think that I would have but I don't really know anymore. I find the pain of her loss overwhelming at times. I guess I took the same leap of faith when we conceived Carter.

Why do some people have the luck of the Irish while others can't catch a break? How is it that some people seem to have it all and for others it's one step forward and two steps back? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side and we never realize what we have until it's gone. If we always want something more, then we never truly appreciate the things we already have.

I'm in love w/ Carter, regardless of whether he is my spirit baby or a soul that I need to meet. I'm picking out the paint color for his room and hoping Chad can find time to paint it soon. He has a closet full of adorable baby clothes with puppies, monkeys and ducks. We bought him a bedding set and a diaper bag. I can finally vision him coming home in my arms. I still worry constantly but I don't feel that he's out of my reach. We went to the zoo this weekend and I bought a few stuffed animals that match Carter's turtle bedding set. I feel pregnant and I look pregnant. Carter moves all the time and I couldn't appreciate it more. No matter what I'm busy doing, I always take time to breath in his movements and stop all the non-important things going on in that moment.

I think it's time to start taking the anti-depressant that my doctor prescribed months ago that I've been avoiding. I don't know what's happening to me but I don't like it. I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive and emotional because I'm pregnant or because I have valid reasons....and/or both for that matter.

I have been reading books on natural child birthing practices and I'm in love it. I wanted a home birth with a mid-wife but Chad quickly halted that. I compromised w/ a hospital but have continued to read books to develop a birth plan perfect for Carter. No drugs, no bright lights, no crazy intervention. The problem is....Chad thinks I'm crazy. He jokes about my books, makes sarcastic comments about the research, laughs immaturely at the scenes in the documentaries and ignores the entire discussion when it comes up. Instead of looking at me like some granola eating hippie trying to "fight the power", I've invited him to read the books and see where I'm coming from. He stands behind the fact that there are two sides to every story and doesn't understand why I simply won't conform to an Pitocin induced, epidural bearing, birth laying flat in a hospital bed strapped to a monitor and just be content in going w/ the flow and being cooperative. Part of me wants to tell him that I'll call him after Carter is born because I don't want him around while I'm in labor if he's not going to be my advocate. I feel like the father of my child is 15 years old because that's how he's acting about this. If he has genuine reservations for a valid reason, then he's doing a horrible job expressing them maturely. He's got nothing to back them up beside the minor 10% chance that something could go wrong.

Chad did so well at first and went to nearly every appointment. Lately, he hasn't gone to any including the "big" 20 week anatomy scan and my bi-weekly ultrasounds. It's hard to be the only pregnant woman in the lobby of my OB's office. I make excuses for him at every appointment, but the truth is, if he wanted to be there he would be there. When Carter moves and he can see or feel it, he tells me it's "creepy". I breaks my heart when my husband refers to our much wanted baby as "creepy". I patiently awaited this point in my pregnancy where Chad would be able to feel our child move the way that I did only to discover that he'd prefer I keep it to myself. I'm currently reading a book about the Bradley method of natural child birth....husband coached childbirth. I'm not sure that he is in a position where he can even be my coach in labor. If he finds the entire process of pregnancy appalling, how on earth can he manage to be cooperative during labor? I can't imagine being comfortable while allowing my body to do what it was built to do, knowing that I'm annoying him w/ my back rub requests and heavy breathing. I want to birth in a tub, delay cord cutting and share a Leboyer bath w/ Carter after he's born. I'm not even comfortable explaining all these things to Chad because I know he's going to roll his eyes at the ideas, much less participate. I feel like we are a thousand miles away from one another even when we are sitting together on the couch. I talk about the baby, he talks about his car. I expected him to lay in bed w/ me and talk to our baby but he just treats it as a bulging belly and gives it little regard. My co-workers can tell you more about what's going on in my mind and my belly than my husband can. I wonder if he even knows how far along I am in the pregnancy at any given time. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling and I really try to not complain.

Normally, I feel very protected and supported by Chad, physically, mentally and emotionally. Lately, I feel very exposed when I'm around him. My ideas about childbirth are preposterous and he mocks me. He points out when my pregnancy hormones are taking over instead of just treading lightly and trying to make me feel better. I'm not comfortable in my own changing body in front of him. I stand in front of the mirror and I see this incredible body growing a baby, a belly protecting him while announcing him and boobs that are going to stay busy. However, when I stand in front of Chad, I feel anxious. I feel as if all he sees are stretch marks, linea negra, huge darkening aerolas, swollen ankles and a newly pudgy wife. Strangers tell me that I look cute but my own husband doesn't even seem to notice me, let alone appreciate the changes in my baby making body. Jarod will put his face up to my belly to say hi to Carter and sit w/ his hand on it for hours waiting on Carter to move. Chad just reiterates that it's "creepy". I'm sure that the same is true for Carter as it was for Jarod....he doesn't really seem real until he's in our arms. He acted much the same way 8 years ago when I was pregnant w/ Jarod but I had assumed time and maturity had changed him. I was wrong. None the less, he's a wonderful father to Jarod and I know he will be to Carter as well.

People make comments about us having another child and getting the daughter we dreamed of on our 'next' try. I mentioned this once to Chad and he admittedly declared that after Carter, we are done. His exact words were "The deal was two." I still feel like I have another baby, a daughter, out there that belongs to me that needs and wants to be born at some point. We said that we were done after Jarod but changed our minds. Chad is not going to allow that to happen again when we are in our late 30's. It's not an issue between us that I dwell over but it is one of those things, much like the home birth, that I feel he squashed before it was ever even discussed. Chad is my soul mate. I fell in love w/ him at first sight. I knew he was the guy I was going to marry before I truly knew him...yet somehow, I feel as if our lives are being lived parallel but not quite together. I just feel very alone w/ my feelings, my dreams and in limbo as to what my future goals and plans are to be. I know that he loves me, I just wish he did a better job of understanding how I need him to show it.

The boutique that my mom and I opened together is going very well but I feel a constant struggle to balance my time. Between my full time job, the boutique and my home responsibilities, there is nothing left for me. The only "me" time that I have is spent in the car going from point A to point B and the brief time I have once Chad leaves for work and Jarod goes to bed. In order to utilize any of that time, I cut into my sleep to do it. I have learned that pregnancy is not really the best time to sacrifice sleep to book reading or blog postings. My mom spends 55+ hours at the boutique and wants company when I'm not at work. Chad wants me home for dinner. I haven't found any extra time to volunteer at the Women's Center lately and I really have my heart set on that. Now that the summer is here, Jarod wants to spend my days off at the pool and the park. Some days, I just really want to turn off my cell phone, sleep until noon and then get a pedicure and a massage. I guess every mother wants to spend her free days like that.

When Parker is mentioned, it's because I bring her up. I know that men grieve in their own way but I sometimes wonder if her memory is slipping away from him. I find myself crying all the time again for her. I miss her so much. She'd be 3 months old had she been born on her due date. It's been 8 months since we lost her which is much longer than she was actually with us. Proof that time doesn't really heal all wounds. Carter tends to be very active during the times when my heart is hurting the most. It's very reassuring and when I talk to him, I can feel him acknowledging me. He's been extremely active as I sit here and type this. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Jarod is a teacher soul and the lessons I've learned from him are priceless. Carter is a healing soul, somehow assuring me that all is going to be okay. As for Parker...maybe one day I'll understand the purpose of her soul as well. In the meantime, she is still my second child, my daughter, my mystery baby.

NEW: 9/03/09 Is today the day?

It's been awhile since I've updated and a lot has happened since. I've had a lot of stress in my life, unrelated to the pregnancy. I started experiencing some strange symptoms and mentioned them at my 30 week OB visit. Upon an examination, they found that I was 1cm dilated and 60% effaced. My doctor sent me to the hospital to be monitored for pre-term labor. I assumed the contractions that I was having were simply braxton hicks and gave them no thought. The hospital disagreed and I spent two days there while they administered drugs to stop them. I was sent home on Procardia and Brethine in hopes of preventing any further contractions.

At 32 weeks, I passed out and my husband insisted that an ambulance transport me to the hospital. Once again, the contractions resumed and were 3 minutes apart. I was dilated to 3cm and spent 3 more days in the prenatal ICU on magnesium sulfate. I toured the NICU and was prepped for the potential issues we might face. I was given steroids in hopes of quickly developing his lungs. My contractions finally stopped and again, I was sent home. At 33 weeks, I had a positive fetal fibronectin test.

Although I feel like a ticking time bomb, I've done my best to keep baking baby Carter. I've had weekly NST's, failing some of them and ending up at the hospital for further monitoring. At 36 weeks, the contraction medications were stopped and I was told that we have reached a safe zone. I'm now 37 weeks and still 3cm dilated, 75% effaced and Carter is in a 0 station. I'm very excited that he held out so long. My pregnancy has been complicated but I have to blame myself, wondering if the stress I've put myself through in the last few months have caused this pre-term labor. My son is a fighter and I'm very proud of the progress we've made in the pregnancy. He looks great on his ultrasounds and I'm still being told that he's a going to be a big baby. I'm looking forward to his birth and hoping that we'll be able to carry out the birth plan that I have and all goes well.

I have an appointment today to talk to a psychologist. Probably something that I should have done a long time ago. I'm not expecting anything ground breaking to happen but I'd like to eventually figure out why certain things bounce around in my head and how to put them into perspective better. Carter's room is done, his clothes are washed and everything is ready to go when he's ready to come. I still cherish each and every movement and will miss them when I'm not pregnant anymore. The best part is that I'll exchange them for a beautiful baby who I can see AND feel move. I wake up everyday wondering if today is going to be the day I get to meet him.

9/11/09 Happy Birthday Carter!!

So, before I'll start I will apologize for taking so long to actually post it. lol I'd like to thank everyone for the emails, messages, texts and such asking about us.

I had an OB appt/NST on Sept 11th at 9:30. I was having contractions @ 8 minutes apart but w/ all my pre-term labor and strange contraction patterns that I'd had for the past month, I didn't think twice about them. The NST was fine & afterward my doctor checked me and said that I was 5cm. She was going to strip my membranes and go to L&D. I was reluctant because it was 13 days before my due date and I really didn't feel the need to be "induced". I wanted a natural delivery and was afraid that this would be the start of my loss of control over my sons birth. My doctor said that she understood and said that I could come back in at 12:30 and they would check me again to see if I was dilated any further because she already suspected I was in real labor.

At 11:00, the other OB in the office called me and told me to just go to L&D because after looking at my NST and knowing I was 5cm dilated, she felt that I was really in labor. By this point, I was pretty sure myself that I was in labor because the contractions (although not regular) were getting more painful and they had never been that way in the past. I arrived at the hospital @ 12:30 and got settled in. My OB broke my water at 2:30. The pace immediately changed!! My contractions became painful almost immediately and got closer together.



The nurses filled the birthing tub and I got in. All the books said to have a "labor project" to focus on. I played Tetris on my cell phone for awhile and when I could no longer focus on that, I resorted to just controlling my thoughts. Actually, my big focus went to not letting the towel I was resting my head against on the side of the tub fall into the water. The nurse checked me and said I was at 7cm. Within what felt like a few minutes, the pain became unbearable. After a few contractions, I called the nurse in and told her that I wanted some kind of drug in my IV. All I could think was that I was only 7cm and I couldn't bear the pain for another 3 hours. (Everything I've read says most women dilate 1cm per hour.) She knew that I wanted to do everything drug free but agreed to call my doctor after asking me 100 times if I was sure. SHE WAS GONE FOREVER!! She finally returned and told me that my doctor said that I had to get out of the tub and go to the bed if I wanted drugs. The nurse tried to help me stand up to get out of the tub and I couldn't get to my feet. She asked what was wrong and I told her that the pressure was unbearable. She checked me and what happened next was hilarious.



The nurse said "OHMIGOD, Shannon...don't push." She yelled for my husband to push the call nurse button. When they came over the speaker, she screamed "Get me help in here now and get the doctor in here immediately...she's crowning!" I thought to myself "Oh holy crap...there went my drugs." I heard "All nurses to room 10 stat!" come across the hospital intercom. All I could hear was jingle ling a linging down the hall as all these nurses come running in. My nurse is leaning halfway into this tub w/ her ENTIRE hand up there pressing on his head as she chanted "Hang in there honey!" over and over to me.

I somehow got laid down in the tub and my doctor arrived just in time to say "Okay, push!" I ended up pushing for about 20 minutes. I could feel myself tearing and it took a lot mentally to keep pushing through the burning of that. My husband, mom and best friend were in the room and they were very encouraging. Finally, I somehow managed to get him out and pull him up out of the water up to me. I was 5:05pm. It had only been 2 and a half hours since they broke my water!!


I was so proud of myself. I had this beautiful perfect baby boy in my arms and he was so bright eyed just staring at me. I couldn't believe that I had created, carried and finally delivered this amazing human being. I got to hold him in the tub for @ 10 minutes. After that, the nurses helped me to the bed and I was given Pitocin to help deliver the placenta. My doctor gave me some a anesthesia so she could stitch up the tears and those needle pricks were worse than the actual tearing!! I heard the nurse say "That's a second degree tear right?" and my doctor said "Well, she tore up so they don't assign degrees in that direction." Sure hurt enough to be assigned a degree!!

Anyway, at the end of it all I can say this: I am very proud for doing it drug free and I loved the water birth. However, if I have another baby.... I can't say that I would skip the drugs again. I've delivered a baby w/ a epidural and without. I feel that I've experienced it all now. lol

He never did latch onto the breast. I wasn't allowing the hospital give him a bottle but his blood sugar was 77 and they ended up having to give him formula. It took a nurse well over an hour to even get him to suck on the bottle. I have been pumping and bottle feeding him breast milk for the past 6 weeks. Before being released from the hospital, we were told that he failed his hearing test in both ears and we had to come back in a week to have it checked again. He passed just fine the second time he was tested and we were told that it's common for water birth babies to fail the hearing test due to water being trapped deep in the ear.

He weighed 6lbs, 7oz and was 19 inches long. He's perfect... He stares into the lights and up at the ceiling and laughs often. I know that Parker is there watching over him. He's a happy baby and very content. Jarod adores him. He's a miracle. I savor every moment, every breath, every smile and I melt when he looks into my eyes. I couldn't have asked for more.

October 11th was hard. We took balloons to the park and sent them to heaven for Parker's birthday. My baby girl would have been a year old but the pain still feels like it happened yesterday.

I am continuing my appointments w/ the psychologist but I'm not sure they are helping. I don't feel any different. He has offered medication but w/ breast feeding, I'm unwilling to take anything. I guess more time will tell. In the meantime, holding my new baby, my precious spirit baby warms my heart.