12/03/08: This is just a dream....

12/03/08

I went to see my OB today. I really do like her. She makes me feel better and I know she cares. At first, I was hurt that she didn't show up to deliver Parker, the time when I really needed her the most. However, now more than ever, I'm glad that she wasn't there. I don't have to share that w/ her, I don't have to have that memory w/ her. The on-call doctor did just fine, but I have no desire to ever see him again. I share the worst moment of my life w/ him and I just don't have that warm and fuzzy feeling for him. I have said this before but I can't express how relived I am that I don't see her that way. I feel like she knows me and understands what is going on in my head. Chad really likes her too & they get along well. They both have the same deranged sense of humor.

I have never been able to shake the feeling that the breathing problem was somehow related to my water breaking. I tried very hard to simply accept what happened and move on, but I just couldn't make it make sense in my head. I have never been the type of person to just give up.

I was googling Fetal Cardiac Arrest to get a link to add to this blog and I stumbled upon something in Wikipedia that caught my eye. It lead me to a condition called Amniotic Fluid Embolism. I couldn't believe what I was reading. At first, it sounded just like what happened but as it continued, it talked about the maternal death rate being 60-80% and most don't survive past the first hour and so on. I wondered if somehow I had this reaction, just not as intense. I spent the next two weeks researching the condition. The more I read, the more I thought that the condition was too extreme to be responsible. Brain damage, heart problems, blood transfusions, etc occur in nearly every case but most don't even survive. Nonetheless, I couldn't get it out of my head. I was also scared, scared that it might have happened and could then happen again. I don't want to leave my son and husband and the though kept me up at night.

I truly expected my OB to laugh and tell me I was crazy. When I began to explain that I thought the breathing problem was related to the water, she agreed. As we went on to talk, she explained that it was more than likely my bodies’ reaction from the infection. Between the anti-biotic my family doctor gave me and the ones that we administered while I was in the hospital, it held off the infection and I was breathing fine. The Friday before I delivered Parker, I knew the infection was back based on my fever. I had one more episode the day after I delivered her. When the placenta was tested, the laboratory found an infection in it. It makes sense as to why it came and went so quickly. The few minor episodes that I had early in my pregnancy that lasted only minutes were also during times that I had infections. I can accept this explanation and live without questioning it anymore. I needed all the pieces to fit together before I could move on. Maybe that makes me an obsessive compulsive, paranoid hypochondriac.

I am so petrified of another infection occurring in another pregnancy. I have no idea how I contracted the first one or any of them...whichever it may have been. I have been told that it may have been there all along and that is why the placenta never attached correctly and resulted in the subchorionic hematoma. It's possible that infection never went away. I asked her if she could check to make sure that all signs of infection are gone now. She took some cultures and the results should be back on Monday. I guess I'll start eating a lot of yogurt.

I resumed my charting and my ovulation predictor (opk) was positive today. I told her where I was in my cycle and she just smiled, knowing that I already knew what this meant. I have a saliva ferning microscope that can be used to determine ovulation by looking for a specific pattern that develops from the hormone surge. She told me that I could have used that to check the fluid that I suspected was amniotic fluid because it will grow ferns as well. It's very hard to know I had something laying in the drawer in my bathroom that I could have used the first time I suspected that I was leaking fluid. I keep telling myself that knowing sooner would not have changed the outcome. I would have only lost those several precious days that I still thought everything was okay.

I am now officially a "high risk" and that I can continue to see Dr. Marcotte at Good Samaritan in Cincinnati. She told me to expect many more tests and appointments if and when I get pregnant. I feel better knowing that I will be watched more closely but it's still absolutely terrifying to imagine going through this again. Knowing that some of those tests can predict things offers me a little peace of mind. Beta HCG is a test done to measure that amount the HCG (a pregnancy hormone) in the body. By checking beta's every 48 hours, it can indicate a failing pregnancy. I suppose that's better than waking up to a miscarriage one morning. At least you may have time to prepare yourself for the inevitable devastation that will follow.

I'm not sure if I will even tell anyone if or when I do get pregnant. I'm afraid of what they will say or think. I'm afraid that if it doesn't work out, I just look foolish. I'm afraid that no one will be excited us and a part of them will only feel sorry for us. If I tell other people then I have to admit to myself that it's real. I will have to talk about the baby and answer their questions. I'm scared for myself. What if I'm too scared to love this baby? What if I'm just a paranoid basket case for 38 weeks? What if I have a boy and I have to paint Parker's room blue? Is it fair that in my opinion everything is Parker's? A new baby will have her room, her crib, her toys, etc. I'm not sure that will ever go away. I can't imagine what I will feel about the gender of the baby. Will I be sad if I have a boy? Will I feel like I replaced Parker if I have a girl? I so desperately want to fill my empty arms and add to our family but the fear takes an enormous toll.

I have now entered the infamous 2 week wait...thought to be the most suspenseful time w/ the die hard ttc'ers. It's the time between ovulation & being able to take a pregnancy test. Next week, I have to have my progesterone level checked. I'm not really anxious about knowing. The longer it takes to find out, the less time I spend worrying about a baby. Some days, I desperately want to be pregnant again immediately and other days I think that I'm not sure how I'm actually going to react to all this if it becomes real.

Although the song really is about a military husband dying, "Just a Dream" by Carrie Underwood repeats in my head all day....

Baby why'd you have to leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me, This is just a dream.

It describes the way I feel about my entire pregnancy. It never seemed real but its hurts to much to have just been a dream. I still can't believe this happened to me and I'm still holding my breath. Tomorrow I should be 27 weeks pregnant but instead, it will be nearly 8 weeks since I've been a mommy to an angel.