06/08/09 The teacher, the healer and the mystery...

I still try to make sense of Parker's loss. There is always going to be a hole in my heart, for she took that piece with her. I don't need to fill the gap in my heart but rather the one in my head. I struggle w/ spirituality, peace and perhaps religion. It's the questions that don't have answers that keep me awake.

I read books about angel babies, spirit babies, miscarriages, reincarnation, etc but nothing makes sense to me. Nothing justifies or explains her loss. People say "Everything happens for a reason." but I want to know why. If it was meant to be, then why? I just wish I could find the explanation. I just need it to make sense in my mind. Karma is the closest thing that I can find.

Maybe I jinxed her over a year before she was even conceived. Maybe all my thoughts and worry about losing a child that prevented us from making one sooner contributed to her demise. Did I know this was going to happen all along or did I bring it on myself? If I had known how the story ended, would I have read the book? If I knew she would die, would I have given her life? I'd like to think that I would have but I don't really know anymore. I find the pain of her loss overwhelming at times. I guess I took the same leap of faith when we conceived Carter.

Why do some people have the luck of the Irish while others can't catch a break? How is it that some people seem to have it all and for others it's one step forward and two steps back? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side and we never realize what we have until it's gone. If we always want something more, then we never truly appreciate the things we already have.

I'm in love w/ Carter, regardless of whether he is my spirit baby or a soul that I need to meet. I'm picking out the paint color for his room and hoping Chad can find time to paint it soon. He has a closet full of adorable baby clothes with puppies, monkeys and ducks. We bought him a bedding set and a diaper bag. I can finally vision him coming home in my arms. I still worry constantly but I don't feel that he's out of my reach. We went to the zoo this weekend and I bought a few stuffed animals that match Carter's turtle bedding set. I feel pregnant and I look pregnant. Carter moves all the time and I couldn't appreciate it more. No matter what I'm busy doing, I always take time to breath in his movements and stop all the non-important things going on in that moment.

I think it's time to start taking the anti-depressant that my doctor prescribed months ago that I've been avoiding. I don't know what's happening to me but I don't like it. I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive and emotional because I'm pregnant or because I have valid reasons....and/or both for that matter.

I have been reading books on natural child birthing practices and I'm in love it. I wanted a home birth with a mid-wife but Chad quickly halted that. I compromised w/ a hospital but have continued to read books to develop a birth plan perfect for Carter. No drugs, no bright lights, no crazy intervention. The problem is....Chad thinks I'm crazy. He jokes about my books, makes sarcastic comments about the research, laughs immaturely at the scenes in the documentaries and ignores the entire discussion when it comes up. Instead of looking at me like some granola eating hippie trying to "fight the power", I've invited him to read the books and see where I'm coming from. He stands behind the fact that there are two sides to every story and doesn't understand why I simply won't conform to an Pitocin induced, epidural bearing, birth laying flat in a hospital bed strapped to a monitor and just be content in going w/ the flow and being cooperative. Part of me wants to tell him that I'll call him after Carter is born because I don't want him around while I'm in labor if he's not going to be my advocate. I feel like the father of my child is 15 years old because that's how he's acting about this. If he has genuine reservations for a valid reason, then he's doing a horrible job expressing them maturely. He's got nothing to back them up beside the minor 10% chance that something could go wrong.

Chad did so well at first and went to nearly every appointment. Lately, he hasn't gone to any including the "big" 20 week anatomy scan and my bi-weekly ultrasounds. It's hard to be the only pregnant woman in the lobby of my OB's office. I make excuses for him at every appointment, but the truth is, if he wanted to be there he would be there. When Carter moves and he can see or feel it, he tells me it's "creepy". I breaks my heart when my husband refers to our much wanted baby as "creepy". I patiently awaited this point in my pregnancy where Chad would be able to feel our child move the way that I did only to discover that he'd prefer I keep it to myself. I'm currently reading a book about the Bradley method of natural child birth....husband coached childbirth. I'm not sure that he is in a position where he can even be my coach in labor. If he finds the entire process of pregnancy appalling, how on earth can he manage to be cooperative during labor? I can't imagine being comfortable while allowing my body to do what it was built to do, knowing that I'm annoying him w/ my back rub requests and heavy breathing. I want to birth in a tub, delay cord cutting and share a Leboyer bath w/ Carter after he's born. I'm not even comfortable explaining all these things to Chad because I know he's going to roll his eyes at the ideas, much less participate. I feel like we are a thousand miles away from one another even when we are sitting together on the couch. I talk about the baby, he talks about his car. I expected him to lay in bed w/ me and talk to our baby but he just treats it as a bulging belly and gives it little regard. My co-workers can tell you more about what's going on in my mind and my belly than my husband can. I wonder if he even knows how far along I am in the pregnancy at any given time. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling and I really try to not complain.

Normally, I feel very protected and supported by Chad, physically, mentally and emotionally. Lately, I feel very exposed when I'm around him. My ideas about childbirth are preposterous and he mocks me. He points out when my pregnancy hormones are taking over instead of just treading lightly and trying to make me feel better. I'm not comfortable in my own changing body in front of him. I stand in front of the mirror and I see this incredible body growing a baby, a belly protecting him while announcing him and boobs that are going to stay busy. However, when I stand in front of Chad, I feel anxious. I feel as if all he sees are stretch marks, linea negra, huge darkening aerolas, swollen ankles and a newly pudgy wife. Strangers tell me that I look cute but my own husband doesn't even seem to notice me, let alone appreciate the changes in my baby making body. Jarod will put his face up to my belly to say hi to Carter and sit w/ his hand on it for hours waiting on Carter to move. Chad just reiterates that it's "creepy". I'm sure that the same is true for Carter as it was for Jarod....he doesn't really seem real until he's in our arms. He acted much the same way 8 years ago when I was pregnant w/ Jarod but I had assumed time and maturity had changed him. I was wrong. None the less, he's a wonderful father to Jarod and I know he will be to Carter as well.

People make comments about us having another child and getting the daughter we dreamed of on our 'next' try. I mentioned this once to Chad and he admittedly declared that after Carter, we are done. His exact words were "The deal was two." I still feel like I have another baby, a daughter, out there that belongs to me that needs and wants to be born at some point. We said that we were done after Jarod but changed our minds. Chad is not going to allow that to happen again when we are in our late 30's. It's not an issue between us that I dwell over but it is one of those things, much like the home birth, that I feel he squashed before it was ever even discussed. Chad is my soul mate. I fell in love w/ him at first sight. I knew he was the guy I was going to marry before I truly knew him...yet somehow, I feel as if our lives are being lived parallel but not quite together. I just feel very alone w/ my feelings, my dreams and in limbo as to what my future goals and plans are to be. I know that he loves me, I just wish he did a better job of understanding how I need him to show it.

The boutique that my mom and I opened together is going very well but I feel a constant struggle to balance my time. Between my full time job, the boutique and my home responsibilities, there is nothing left for me. The only "me" time that I have is spent in the car going from point A to point B and the brief time I have once Chad leaves for work and Jarod goes to bed. In order to utilize any of that time, I cut into my sleep to do it. I have learned that pregnancy is not really the best time to sacrifice sleep to book reading or blog postings. My mom spends 55+ hours at the boutique and wants company when I'm not at work. Chad wants me home for dinner. I haven't found any extra time to volunteer at the Women's Center lately and I really have my heart set on that. Now that the summer is here, Jarod wants to spend my days off at the pool and the park. Some days, I just really want to turn off my cell phone, sleep until noon and then get a pedicure and a massage. I guess every mother wants to spend her free days like that.

When Parker is mentioned, it's because I bring her up. I know that men grieve in their own way but I sometimes wonder if her memory is slipping away from him. I find myself crying all the time again for her. I miss her so much. She'd be 3 months old had she been born on her due date. It's been 8 months since we lost her which is much longer than she was actually with us. Proof that time doesn't really heal all wounds. Carter tends to be very active during the times when my heart is hurting the most. It's very reassuring and when I talk to him, I can feel him acknowledging me. He's been extremely active as I sit here and type this. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Jarod is a teacher soul and the lessons I've learned from him are priceless. Carter is a healing soul, somehow assuring me that all is going to be okay. As for Parker...maybe one day I'll understand the purpose of her soul as well. In the meantime, she is still my second child, my daughter, my mystery baby.