3/19/09 Speachless

((I wrote this post in March and left it in drafts. I didn't have the courage to post it, in fear of what others would think. I guess what it boils down to is that it's my life and I have the right to feel the way that I do. I've spoke w/ many other women and I've learned that I'm not alone in the way that I feel.))

I don't even know what to write. Usually the box pops up and I start typing and I start where I left off. Today, I just don't feel compelled to do that.

Parker's due date went quickly and she stayed on my mind all day. We released some balloons in her memory and I promised her that we would do it every year on her birthday to keep her memory alive.

Part of me feels guilty for being pregnant, like I didn't mourn her long enough or that she may think we "got over" losing her. I cry for her often. I look at her empty bed, think about how she would be here and I'd be home on maternity leave w/ her right now. I'm sure you can imagine what goes through my mind.

Now, I'm fighting another demon...my heart, my guilt, my disappointment. I'll cut to the chase. We are having a boy. Aside from the fact that I have a pink nursery, a wardrobe of baby girl clothes, no hair to braid, no barbies to play with; I lost my spirit baby too. I'm really pissed at God again. I just wanted a baby girl, I had one and he took her. Why is he doing this to me?

Instead of ruffles, bows and "princesses" all the clothes have bugs, trucks and say "little monster" on them. I don't want a monster, I want a princess. I also wanted a baby and I have a baby. Lots of women just want a baby and they don't care if they have a boy or girl and here I am....crying because I didn't get a girl. After all I have been through, shouldn't I just be thankful that he's healthy? I found an entire message board for support of "gender disappointment" but it doesn't help w/ the guilt that I'm feeling about being disappointed. I only hope those of you reading this can somehow comprehend what I'm feeling but can't quiet explain. I love my baby and I know that I will love my baby even more when he's in my arms but that doesn't help with today or the way I'm feeling right now.

I did buy some boy baby clothes and we are looking at new themes for the nursery. I don't really know what to do w/ the things I already have. Keeping them seems silly but I can't bare to part w/ them either. It feels like I'm giving up on a dream. I've been told "So, try again for another girl in a few years." It's just not that simple.

As far as my hematoma, it started bleeding out at 11 weeks. It's still visible on the ultrasounds but it does appear to be shrinking. The bleeding is absolutely nothing like the bleeding that I experienced w/ Parker. My OB isn't concerned and I'm not as worried either. I have been doing weekly ultrasounds and plan to continue doing that in order to keep a very close eye on it. There will be no surprises for me this time.