If I'm living my life, then I am not hurting enough for her's....

I have been thinking a lot about the spirit baby story and wondering if I trust in faith enough to believe the story is true. I have nothing to lose by believing in it and some huge part of me is desperate to believe it. Not many people know that I had a miscarriage when I was 16 years old. I was around 8 weeks or so and that miscarriage may have actually saved Jarod's life because I discovered that I was RH negative. I know that it was for the best and that my life would have dramatically changed. It taught me a lesson that I needed to learn the hard way at that time in my life. Until recently, I had nearly forgotten about that miscarriage and was ashamed to even have to admit it, even when medically necessary. Losing Parker has caused me to think about that child as well and recall the feelings of loss that I had then. I always felt that child was a boy and I have no problem believing that Jarod is also a spirit baby. It may explain why Jarod is so much older than his years. Ironically, it wasn't until after Jarod was born that I was able to get over that miscarriage. Maybe I knew that Jarod was my spirit baby and that is why I have been able to move on.

I can feel myself changing. When I see others, I look at them differently. I wonder what is on their minds and if their heart aches with something, the same way that mine does. I can't smile as easily and I can't get the sadness out of my eyes. I have also developed the "ability" to decide who deserves their pregnancies and babies and who doesn't. I know that I do not have this right, but I can't keep my mind from racing. A walk through the mall to buy Chad a sweetest day gift yields pregnant teenagers, mothers chasing around and yelling at multiple children who are covered in dirt wearing clothes that don't fit and others who coo at their babies while pushing them through the stores. I inventory them in my mind and either "approve" or "decline" their right to be a parent. Then I become frustrated with God, fate or maybe karma that it's just not fair. If God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I'd like to know when his cruel joke is going to end. Apparently, he gives me more credit than I deserve.

Life must go on and we must find a way to continue on with our lives. Will life go back to normal and Parker be forgotten amongst the challenges of daily life? Will my tears dry up? I'm afraid that if I'm living my life, I'm not hurting enough for hers. I struggle to get through each day, feeling as if I am swimming in jello. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other. The last 24 days of my life seem like a blur. I feel trapped in the moment on my first visit to the hospital when I waited for my doctor to arrive. A few days ago, I was gazing out the window, crying for Parker and I noticed a rainbow. It wasn't raining and had been sunny all day. I called Chad over to verify that it really was there. I wondered if it was her telling me that she made it to heaven. I smiled and wiped the tears from my cheeks. When we were going over the memorial arrangements with Pastor Steve, I cried for her again. Outside the patio doors, I heard the wind pick up and wrestle the patio umbrella for a moment. It got my attention and again, there had been no wind gust all day and there were no more after that. I truly believe that she is at peace and God only takes the best. I'm jealous and upset that he thought heaven needed her more than we did.

Sorry I didnt get to stay,

To Laugh and run and play.

To be there by your side,

I'm sorry I had to Die.

God Sent me down to be with you,

to make your loving heart anew.

To help you look up and see

both God and little Me.

Mommy, I wish I could stay.

Just like I heard you pray

But, all the angels did cry

When they told little me goodbye.

God didnt take me cause he's mad.

He didnt send me to make you sad.

But to give us both a chance to be

A love so precious..dont you see?

Up there no trouble do I see

and the pretty angels sing to me

The streets of gold is where I play

You'll be here too, mommy, someday.

Until the day you join me here,

I'll love you mommy, dear.

Each breeze you feel and see,

Brings love and a kiss from me..

DEATH OF A CHILD by Sandy Eakle

(Image made by one of the BG ladies)