11/27/08: "Happy" Thanksgiving...

11/27/08

Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to ignore something, the more prevalent it becomes? I try desperately to keep my mind off babies and pregnancy, yet everywhere I go...there they are. I was standing in the checkout line today and every tabloid magazine had some type of pregnancy story: Mariah Carey, Angelia Jolie, Jennifer Garner, Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, etc. The women behind me in line was pregnant and so was my cashier. I can't escape these people, they stalk me. I'm jealous of every pregnant woman I see. Not so much babies...unless their mother's were pregnant while I was. My "website friends" are going to having their babies soon. As happy for them as I am, I can't share in their joy and that hurts. We all ttc'd and got pregnant together, I somehow fell off the wagon and it continued on w/out me.

I did not expect this to be so hard. Yesterday, we sat up the Christmas tree and it was a task, not a joy. I put all the ornaments on after Jarod went to bed while Chad was at work. I had to stop several times to break down and cry. This isn't how it was suppose to be. I expected to be big and pregnant, not empty and lonely.




Chad was upset when he saw that the tree was decorated and I didn't include him & Jarod. It's not fair for me to spoil the holidays for them and I should have waited. It just didn't seem like a joyful event. It's merely a holiday chore to me, much like the shopping, gift wrapping and social events. I'm already dreading the family gathering of my dad's side of the family. Two of my cousins are pregnant and we were due w/in weeks of each other. I have no desire to see them right now. I may skip that event entirely. I can imagine that it is just as awkward for them to see me as it is for me to see their bellies.

I didn't expect Thanksgiving to be so hard. (Today was probably a Xanax day, but I failed to think of that prior to now.) I have so much to be thankful for, yet I'm so bitter. I would have been 26 weeks today. My birthday is in a week and I'm not looking forward to it. Our childbirth classes were scheduled for that day. Terra's baby (my new friend who lost her daughter, Ella Grace at 23 weeks) was due that day. I will never look at my birthday the same again. "My birthday"...a day that should have been shared w/ Ella. Chad took the entire weekend off work and I'd just rather not make a big deal about the day. I realize that I can not go on like this but right now, I just want my daughter back. I want to be pregnant w/ swollen feet and back pain. I want someone to be planning my baby shower, not staring at an empty nursery. I don't want to get over it, I want to feel sorry for Parker. I don't want to understand that everything happens for a reason, I want God to understand that I've been through enough and this wasn't fair. I don't want to be strong anymore, it's someone else's turn. I want to turn back time and rewrite the ending. Terra is right, the hardest mom to be in one to an angel.

My mom has Parker's bear to sew the wings on. She has had it for about a week and it's been really hard not to have that in my possession. I have been sleeping w/ her blanket but it's not the same. I haven't got to hear her heartbeat. I keep buying things that remind me of her, like charms for my bracelet, Christmas ornaments, etc.


I felt Sleeping Beauty was an appropriate choice of the Disney Princesses.


"Even though we are apart we will keep you forever in our heart" is stated in the heart and below is engraved: Parker Ellen Oleyar ~Daughter and Sister~ October 11th, 2008


Precious Moments remind me of my Aunt Ruthie who passed away earlier this year. The ormament has a little girl bearing gifts that and says "Merry Christmas" below. I keep telling myself that it's not only my Christmas; it is Jarod & Chad's as well and I must try to make it merry.



Our star in the sky is represented by a star on our tree.

I'm so afraid that we will go back to our normal lives and she will be forgotten. I feel guilty that she's gone. I'm so sorry that my body failed her and I couldn't save her. Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do; and although I realize that, it doesn't hurt any less or change the way I feel. It doesn't take the ache and the hurt out of my heart. I look at her pictures and I cry. Other people are making me feel guilty for feeling this way but no one understands how much I miss her. I truly feel like a part of me is missing and I never realized how much you can love a person you've never met in such a short period of time. Although I manage to get out of bed everyday, it's going back to bed that seems to be the problem. The nights are the worst and that's when I cry the most.

The friendship that I have built w/ Terra and a few other girls who have lost their babies are what keeps me sane. Knowing that despite the fact that everyone thinks I should "get over it", the people who have been through it feel the same way I do. They validate my feelings and understand what I mean so that I don't need to explain. I don't have to apologize for wanting to cry or talk about her and they don't start squirming when I do. They understand how sick I am of hearing those stupid "God only takes the best" comments, etc. I didn't want to sacrifice my daughter for the greater good of heaven. I don't care if everything happens for a reason, my daughter was more important than any other reason. If God is so great, why didn't he save her? "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" or "You never know how strong you are until you have no choice"...well, I feel that I've done pretty well in my life and didn't need reminded of how much I can handle. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should have to. "You'll see her again" or "She's watching over you" only make me feel worse; I'm her mother, I should be protecting her. Although I understand that people say these things to make me feel better and offer comfort, they really do none of that. I appreciate that they are concerned and thinking of us but now is really not the time for a life lesson.

I don't want to be treated like I'm broken but I don't want anyone to ask how I'm doing either. For common sense sake, don't ask me what's wrong when I'm quiet...my daughter died, that's what's wrong. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I have been saying for 7 weeks..."I'm taking things one day at a time and some days are better than others". If you must know, Thursdays are particularly bad. Don't ask if I need anything, I NEED my daughter back. I will simply settle for time to ease the pain. Neither of which are things anyone can give me. Now is definitely not the time to talk to me about God...we aren't on good terms right now. When I am asked if we're going to have another baby, I get the impression that you are hinting that she can be replaced. If or when we chose to have another child will be on our terms. We will still have a dead daughter no matter how many more children we have. Nothing will ever take that away. It's very hard to sign yourself up for another chance at heartbreak. You don't appreciate the miracle of life until something gets in it's way.

Please know that if you have said or done any of these things, that we truly do understand your intentions were good. We are just tired of hearing it. We appreciate your concern as well as the fact that it is hard to understand what we feel. At times, those words do bring comfort and peace but other times they burn and sting. If I talk about it, just listen. If I don't, it doesn't mean that you can't. I don't want anyone to forget about her or to ever treat her like she is simply a lost pregnancy. Don't ever refer to her as a miscarriage. She was a baby, my baby, and she died. Just because it happened before she was born does not make her any less worthy of being treated as a person. Terra and I have been working on a "clapper" that will turn our emotions on and off for the "comfort" of those around us who think we should "get over it". So far we have been unsuccessful w/ our attempts at this invention, but for the sake of others, we'll keep trying. I absolutely mean that in the most sarcastic of ways.

Some days are better than others and I can never predict which day tomorrow will be. I can tell you that I will wake up and get out of bed for Jarod and Chad. I will go about my daily routine but I will do so with an empty belly, a hole in my heart, a tear in my eye, a new respect for life, a reserved sense of strength and for now, a fake smile. Jodi told me that it doesn't get easier, it just gets "less hard". I'll keep waiting for that. In the mean time, I'm still stuck in the moment I heard the words "there is no fluid left around the baby"....and I will hold my breath until March 5th.