When the funeral home called to make the arrangements, I started crying before I even answered the phone. I honestly thought that we would get to see and hold our daughter one last time at the memorial service. I was wrong and my heart sank a little deeper when I heard that her body couldn’t be embalmed. We will place her ashes in a star to be hung around the teddy bear that her heartbeat is inside. That teddy bear will be all we have left of our daughter and it too, shall get its angel wings. I remember the day we got that bear; I was so happy because I found out that I would finally have the baby girl I’d been dreaming of. I have slept with that bear every night. I still listen to her heartbeat before I go to sleep, as I did when she was inside my belly.
I wasn't dreading my follow up appointment with my OB until I woke up that morning. It hit me that I would have to go back to the office full of baby joy, pregnant women and happy new mommies. I wouldn't need to be weighed or pee in a cup. No one would ask about my morning sickness or cravings. The physicians assistant that works in the office was pregnant and the sign hanging in the lobby announced that she delivered her daughter on October 11th. I couldn't help but bury my head in Chad's shoulder sobbing, knowing that while my daughter was losing her life, her daughter was beginning her life and probably in the next room. I am happy for her (she's really great) but I didn't want to share that day with anyone else's child. The staff in the office was sympathetic and understanding but making it through the appointment was harder than I imagined. I felt as if this was closing the book on my pregnancy.
We learned that there was an infection in the placenta which was no surprise considering my temperature spike the night my labor began. Every time that I had cramping and went to the doctor, an infection was found and treated. Yet, an infection caused my water to break. Unfortunately, no cultures were done by the hospital so we will never know what type of infection caused it but it is likely that it was there my entire pregnancy. It may have even caused the irritation that prevented the placenta from implanting correctly resulting in the hematoma. The opposite is possible as well and the hematoma may have caused the infection. A study done in 1998 found a condition called Chronic abruption-oligohydramnios sequence.(CAOS) and it has gotten little attention since. I had been bleeding for 5 weeks and blood contains enzymes that break down proteins. The amniotic sac is made up of protein. Clearly, it is obvious that this a series of unfortunate events. I can't help but wonder if the breathing problem that began earlier in the week was somehow related. Otherwise, everything was fine. I suppose that in the back of my mind, I wanted something to be wrong with me so they could fix it...so that I had an explanation and knew this could never happen again. I am told that it is unlikely that it will occur again. An infection seems so dirty, yet so insignificant. My OB says that we can start trying again soon and the six month wait the delivery doctor advised is unnecessary. The thought scares me to death....what if this happens again? My mind races with thoughts as we walked out of the office. Chad took my hand and led me past all the pregnant women in the lobby to the car.
Parker's obituary was in the newspaper, confirming that it is still really happening. I expected to see her name in the newspaper...on a birth announcement in March 2009. This is as close to one as she will get. The day finally came for her memorial service. I had to call my best friend and through sobs ask for the pictures she promised me. They wouldn't be of my stomach but rather of my daughter's memorial service. Bobbie agreed. Pastor Steve did a wonderful job and shared some wonderful words. I made a cd of music to be played, two bulletin boards full of photos and her scrapbook.
I brought the blanket and hat that she was given at the hospital. Many of our friends & family members were there to support us.
Chad's boss had a blanket made w/ one of the police patches and her name and birthday is embroidered in it. I'm sure that meant more to Chad than he will ever know.
Niki gave me a beautiful bracelet with a poem that gives words to the hole in my heart. I ordered a bracelet made of pink and blue (March birthstone) beads that says 'Cherish Forever'. It also has the infant and pregnancy awareness loss ribbon on it. The bracelet is beautiful. Rachel added the charm from Niki's necklace, the star charm that holds a few of Parker's ashes and another charm that has baby feet on one side and on the other side, the following:
Parker Ellen
21 weeks too soon
10-11-08
www.MyForeverChild.com
For sweetest day, I had an necklace engraved for Chad w/ the following:
Parker Ellen
"Daddy's Little Girl"
10-11-08
He cried when he opened it and he never takes it off.
The flowers, figurines and throw that others sent were beautiful.
We had prepared a card with her photo inside and a cd of the music we played for our friends & family to take. I just don't want anyone to forget her face, her birthday, her story or the love that we have for her. I brought all the flowers home and placed them in her room, wishing desperately that they were welcoming her birth.
We have her ashes in our possession and it does feel better to have "her" back. I ordered Angel wings for her bear and my Mom attached them and put her bag of cremains inside it. She is whole again, heartbeat and all:
In this picture, she is wearing the star charm that is now on my bracelet. A star, that to me, signifies her being our star in the sky. (Image made by one of the girls on Baby Gaga, one of the many forums I have received so much support from.)
The funeral home gave us a copy of her fetal death certificate and I was relieved to see that her name is one it. No one at the hospital had asked for her name, again treating her like a miscarriage. The cause of death was listed as Fetal cardiac arrest due to premature birth caused by premature rupture of membranes" and it took my breath away. Cardiac arrest seems painful, scary and traumatic. I pictured her passing away peacefully while she slept and now I have this vision of a heart attack running through my head. I found out that she was 10.5" long and weighed 191 grams (less than half a pound or 6.7 ounces)...just like the books said she would.
I expected the service to offer closure for me, but it didn't. I feel that this is the end of the road for Parker's story....almost as if I am forced to move on. I didn't expect that I would feel that way.
(Image made by one of the girls on Baby Gaga, one of the many forums I have received so much support from.)
I feel so sorry for Jarod. We waited to tell him about Parker until the day of the memorial service because we didn't want him to go through the pain more than he needed to. Memorials and funerals are hard enough for adults, let alone a 7 year old. An hour before the service, we sat him down and explained that Parker was sick and that was why I was in the hospital and had to stay in bed. We went on to say that Parker was too sick to stay inside my belly and had to come out. She was too little to be out of my belly and now she is in heaven. He looked at me and asked "So, she died?" I answered and he immediately broke into tears, hugging us. We showed him her pictures and told him that we were going to her memorial service to say goodbye. He kept one of her pictures in his pocket and cried into her bear all the way to the funeral home. It was sad to look at him and know that I couldn't make his pain go away. He told us that now he had to go tell all his friends that he wasn't going to have a baby sister and that made him sad. He asked if he would ever have a baby brother or sister because he still really wanted one. I thought back to the "spirit baby" story and I so badly wish I knew the answer to his question. We read a book with him called "I wonder what you do your first day in heaven?" and he seemed to understand that she is there. We told him that Art & Ruthie are taking care of her. Pastor Steve made reference to the fact that our loved ones stay together waiting for us. Before bed, Jarod asked me if I put the doppler up to my belly if I could still hear a heartbeat. I told him that Parker wasn't in my belly so there would be no heartbeat there. He looked at the bear and said "Good thing we moved it to here then." He's right, that $25 bear turned out to be one of most important purchases I've ever made.
We took him to Build-A-Bear to make his own special bear to remember Parker by. To my surprise, the same bear the we have from the ultrasound was available there. He immediately selected it and didn't look at the other options. The employee asked him if he wanted to give his bear a sound. My heart broke when he asked her to put a heartbeat inside. I teared up knowing that there was no way this women could put Parker's heartbeat in his bear. She did give him a heart that pulsates but makes no sound. He was happy with that and chose a pink t-shirt and bow, diaper and bib for his bear. We left there, with his bear named Parker, born on October 11th in a baby carrier made for the bear. He proudly wore it all around the mall and to dinner. When we arrived home, I saw him enter Parker's nursery. I went in to see what he was doing and his bear was laying in the crib and he was turning the mobile. He looked at me and asked where the treasured wrist rattles were. (Another item that I couldn't bring myself to return.) There were tears in his eyes and sadness on his face. I took for granted that he would love and miss her as much as Chad and I do. He is so much wiser than I give him credit for. I'm sure his bear means as much to him as the other one does to us. On the night of trick or treat, he fell asleep in his Halloween costume, with his bear.
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