10/24/08: One day at a time...

10/24/08
I went back to work today with the help of Xanax. My doctor had given it to me the day after I had Parker and I hadn't taken it. I didn't take it because I had no idea what it would do to me and honestly, I wanted to feel whatever it was that I was going to. I needed to be able to make it through the awkwardness, keep my mind focused and make it through the day.I didn't want to come back. I didn't think that I was ready. I also knew that I was not ever going to feel better sitting in my pajamas all day w/out a shower, crying into a scrapbook.

I chose to come back at the end of the week, knowing I would be in a meeting for half the day. I would only have to face the members, many who had been asking about me, for a few hours. I will work tomorrow for three and a half hours, catching up on misc items. Monday & Tuesday I will be at a seminar in Columbus. Wednesday is my day off. This gives me almost another week to get back to into the groove of things. Being gone for three weeks felt like a lifetime when I walked into my office this afternoon...yet lying at home, losing my daughter felt as if it happened overnight. Again, time has stood still in that sense for me since I learned that my water broke.

I laughed several times this morning at my meeting. I thought of Parker, but I didn't feel the need to cry when she came to my mind. I focused on the meeting. I returned to my office and realized just how much I actually missed my staff and my job. It's the one place that is almost an escape. It's the one place where I was defined as something other than a mother. I may be the division manager, I may be a teller, I may be a bitch but I work behind a 4 1/2 foot counter all day...so I'm not the pregnant one.

I had the option of hiding in my office all day, fiddling with paperwork that could wait or cleaning, etc but I chose to put a drawer in and go to the teller line. It was the first time since losing Parker that I actually wanted to see and talk to people. I waited on member after member who probably had no idea that I have a huge hole in my heart. Yet, it seemed as if everyone spoke softer, looked me in the eye and shared my pain. For the first time in a long time, I took appreciation that everyone else has something going on as well that weighs heavy on their hearts. I have the ability to use my discretion and make judgment calls at work but normally, I stick to the policy. I listen to what the members tell me, but I find few circumstances that warrant my signature on an exception. Today, I didn't just listen, but I heard what they said. In the time that I have spent at the credit union, I have gained a firm grasp of the difference between BS and a legitimate issue. I know when something isn't right and the story doesn't jive. I pay attention to what goes on and follow member habits. I feel that we do a wonderful job of protecting the credit union and the members. It's not that I didn't care before about their problems, it was that I didn't sympathize with them. I guess it's part of one of the two changes that I described I was going through.

I picked Jarod up after work and there was his bear. I was sad again and I cried on the way home. I walked into her room and her crib is still empty. Her flowers still litter the house. I spent awhile moving them around to different locations. I cleaned the house and I started laundry. I made plans for tomorrow that do not consist of sitting in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself. I have to get up everyday, I have to do my hair and make-up. I have to smile for Jarod. I have to make sure that I don't take my son and my husband for granted. I love them more than life itself and have to make sure they know that.

I made the decision today that I will not allow Parker's death to be in vain. I don't know what I'm going to do, how or when. I will find a way to keep her memory alive. I'll let you know what I decide.