11/10/08: One foot in front of the other...

11/10/08
I made the decision today that I will not allow Parker's death to be in vain. I will find a way to keep her memory alive. I have decided to do some volunteer work at The Women's Center in Sidney. I had been feeling drawn there and couldn't shake the feeling. The center had came up numerous times in the past weeks and I could no longer avoid it. I had no idea what to say when I walked in and felt very awkward. I spent some time w/ the director and I am very excited w/ what they offer. They are firmly pro-life and have such wonderful programs. I am hoping to start the "Mentor Mommy" training at the first of the year. I will be working to educate and support other mommies during all stages of the pregnancy and after the baby comes. I may also be able to teach a few courses, one of them being the Natural Family Planning that we used to get pregnant. I can also give pregnancy tests and counsel women after they receive the results. It's a great program that has so very much to offer. I am looking forward to it. I also went to the Right to Life Society and offered them Parker's pictures to use.

11/11/08

Today is the one month mark. It is also Veteran's Day, so the bank is closed. I spent the day at home and the girls on BabyGaga.com made the imagines w/ her pictures that are on the page. I thought about her much today and I felt as if I could feel her w/ me. I wished on her star this evening.

11/13/08
Today was my 24 week mark. This was the day that I needed to make it to in order to be admitted to Good Sam Hospital. I remember being told this on 10/10/08 and thinking it seemed so close. However, today looking back, it seems so far away and so impossible. I'm glad that I had hope and strength then. I went to my baby website and I read where she would be in her development at this point. It talked a lot about lung development. Her precious little lungs were on my mind all day and I kept thinking back to the wording we chose to use for her obituary..."without wasting a breath". After work I came home, opened the door to her room and sat there for a few moments. It's so cold in there from having the door closed. I cleaned her room. I put away all the misc items, threw away the dead flower arrangements from the memorial. I placed the angel figurines all around the room and put away all the gift tags, cards and items from the service.


((I took this picture 7 times and every time it came out blury. The only picture that is like this, is the angel one....))







I hung the bullentin boards that I made for the service on the wall in the place where her ultrasound pictures had hung. They are now in her scrapbook and the wall was empty. I put all the pregnancy related items & books in the closet. I dusted and vacuumed. I opened the blinds. I didn't kick the cat out when he came it. He immediately crawled into her crib and for the first time, I let him lay there. Maybe even the cat misses her.



The door doesn't need to be closed anymore. Her room will no longer be the "off limit's dungeon" of our home.

Of all days, I received a special package today. Inside was a note that said "Sorry it's late, it took forever to arrive." Inside was an angel figurine sent by my friend Amber, whom I went to high school w/. She has a son that is in school w/ Jarod and in August delivered her second child, a daughter. The figurine was an angel w/ a child that read:
"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for a part of me went with you on the day that God called you home."




I now know why the hole in my heart is there. Parker took that part w/ her, as she deserved. I know that she has a piece of Chad & Jarod's as well as so many others. She knows how much she was loved and she can feel it. I imagine her in heaven w/ Art & Ruthie....maybe they are raising the child they never had. I find the oxymoron of 'Whole' and 'Hole' to be so odd. Can it be that my hole is their whole? One can only look to heaven and hope it is so. The last time I saw Uncle Art was at a restaurant when I was only a few months pregnant. He rubbed my belly, congratulated us excitedly on the pregnancy and gave me a hug.

At this point, I question my decision to not have Jarod brought to the hospital to have seen and held his baby sister. At the time, I didn't think he could handle it or that we should put him though it. Now, I feel as if he needed it for some type of closure and his own comfort. It's too late now, but if I had it to do over I would respect that fact that he comprehends, understands and feels so much more than I will ever realize.

I get emails and messages everyday from women everywhere who tell me how strong I am and what a hero I was to my daughter. Although I appreciate their support, I don't feel that way. I know that any other woman in my position would have done the same thing. It's easier to keep going than it is to give up. I googled Parker's name today and was absolutely taken back by what came up. I found her story all over random message boards on the internet posted by other women who had stumbled across her story and were offering it as support for other women. I cried....for several reasons. I wrote her story so that I could have a release but more importantly because I didn't want anyone to forget about her. I was so afraid that her memory would slowly drift out of people's minds and her loss weigh less on the heart. I didn't ever want her to be forgotten. The fact that our story is helping others cope w/ their loss in any sort of way warms my heart. Women that I have never met send me such kind words of thanks. To those women, Thank you back. You have no idea what those messages mean to us. We can't tell you how much we appreciate that you took the time to read her story, pray for us and think of her. I keep hearing that she is imprinted in their hearts and playing in heaven w/ their angel babies. I have no choice but to believe that is absolutely true. I have met so many women in different stages of the grieving process who have been very helpful and supportive. I have one friend now who is also in the "bitter" stage w/ me and we can appreciate and justify the others frustration, anger, resentment and pain. It's helpful to not feel alone and to have someone else tell me that it's okay to feel this way because they understand exactly what I mean even though I can't explain.


(Image made by one of the BG ladies.)

My Forever Child:

You are a precious child created out of love, a blessing from above.
I've adored you from the start and your little footprints have touched my heart.
A single teardrop represents the millions I have cried.
My life never the same since you died.
I wish you could have stayed longer with me.
I'd watch you grow into all you could be.
Although we are apart, You are always in my heart.
I dream of a joyful time when we will be reunited once again.
Thoughts of you make me smile. You will always be my forever child.

~Susan Mosqera www.MyForeverChild.com