01/16/09 The one thing I'm absolutely sure of...

The next day, which was Friday, January 9th was no different. I raced to pee on another pregnancy test first thing in the morning. When I looked at the test after a moment or so, I saw only one line. I threw that test in the trash....of course, not hard because I did learn my lesson from yesterday. After another minute passed, I found myself digging through the trashcan to look at the test again. I saw a near invisible line. I was sure it was the indentation where the dye would fill if it was positive. Still, I couldn't stop starring at it. I had never noticed that before on any of the other 800 pregnancy tests I've peed on. I came into work toting my pee stick and an unused pregnancy test. I proceed to pass around my pee stick begging my co-workers to tell me that they see this line too. Indeed they do, so I send "totally sure I'm not pregnant" Rachel to the bathroom to pee on my "control" pregnancy test...made by the same brand and out of the same box. Upon review in every single light source available at work, we determine that Rachel's test did not have this mystery line on it. (Thank goodness that I work w/ 4 other women who are not ashamed to pass urine soaked sticks around.) I called my doctor for a beta hcg blood test and waited for more pee to build up. You can not simply drink fluids to make this happen as it dilutes your urine sample.

At 1pm, I left work on my lunch break and collected one of every brand of pregnancy test I had at home. I'm embarrassed to admit that number totaled five. I peed in a cup and dipped them all. My prized Clearblue Easy digital test was the hardest to look at. The most annoying hourglass flashes on the screen while the test is working...almost as if it's saying "wait, wait, wait, wait..." and it also will display the words NOT PREGNANT or PREGNANT. It's much harder to see NOT PREGNANT in text than it is to decode the meaning of only one line. Therefore, I watched the others develop and almost closed one eye when I looked at the digital. I took a breath and looked down at it laying on the paper towel amongst it's 4 competitors. PREGNANT. I gasp for air. I was stunned, amazed, elated and petrified. I wrapped the digital test in a box for Chad to open later. I went to the lab and had my beta hcg level checked.

Chad called me at work when he had woke up and opened the package. He was just as excited. Although he will probably never admit it, he's probably just happy that I'm going to be the hormonal pregnant wife instead of the "I hate the world" trying to get pregnant wife.

On Sunday, I had another beta hcg test. The purpose of the test is to ensure that the numbers are doubling every 48 hours. I would get Friday & Sunday's results back on Monday. I can assure you that I must have peed on 20 more pregnancy tests...."just to make sure" over the weekend. Chad and I agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone until I was in the second trimester. Parker's due date will arrive when I am 10w5d pregnant. I won't be showing by then and I really wanted to close one chapter before beginning another. I made a post on the "suffering and loss" forum of one of my message boards about pregnancy after a loss & when we should announce it. I was surprised by the responses that I received. Many women stated that they were planning to wait until the second trimester incase they lost the baby...only to lose the baby prior to that. At that point, they struggled to cope w/out the support of their friends and family....because they didn't know she was even pregnant. These grieving couples were then calling family to inform them that they were pregnant but lost the baby. No one recommended waiting to me because each life is a celebration, regardless of the time (s)he spends w/ us. No one can grieve over the loss of someone that they didn't know existed. I decided that maybe we should just wait until we detect a heartbeat on the ultrasound in a few more weeks. Now, we are at the point where we will tell people when it feels right.

I knew that I could never keep it from my mom and was wondering how I was going to avoid her for the next 3-4 weeks. She has a sixth sense about pregnancy and I knew that once she was in the same room w/ me...she would just know. I was successful in avoiding her for two whole days. On Sunday, my excitement took over and I invited her to go to Lima w/ me. Once in the car, she asked why we were going to the hospital, I told her that I needed to have blood work done on this cycle day and the hospital lab was the only one open. After we left the hospital, she asked what the blood work was specifically looking for. I informed her that hcg is a hormone only secreted by pregnancy and what it meant when the numbers doubled. She paused for a moment before saying "Ohmigosh, are you pregnant?" She was just as excited and promised me that it was a girl. Actually, she claims it's twin girls.

Monday took forever to arrive. I was making myself wait until after I dropped Jarod off at school to call my doctor's office for my test results. However, my favorite nurse must have sensed my anxiety and called me at 7:50am w/ the news. Friday's beta was 11. Sunday's beta was 41. It quadrupled!! Needless to say, I was relieved and amazed by the sensitivity of those home pregnancy tests!! Monday came and went and my period never started....sealing the deal that this is real.

I am desperate to find the underlying cause of this breathing problem that continues to plague me. At this point, I am using the rescue inhaler nearly daily. My family doctor tells that during my pregnancy, the rescue inhaler is all they can really do for me. I called someone to clean the duct work in our 2 year old home. The company showed up, blew one duct out and said they were not taking our money or cleaning air ducts that weren't dirty. We can call them back in 5 years. We had a private environmental company come in and do a complete inspection on our house looking for anything that could be triggering these asama or anaphalyctic shock-like attacks. They found nothing. They took air samples from the house and said the results would be back in a week but because they found nothing that would contaminate the air, they don't expect to find anything in it. Everyone is telling me that what I am experiencing is a panic attack. I disagree for a variety of reasons, but will continue to search for information on what causes them. I suppose that I can rule nothing out.

I know that I shouldn't care what people think, because it is my life, however I can't help but wonder how many people are going to think this was too soon. I can assure you that it doesn't feel like it's too soon. My arms are still empty, Jarod still wants a sibling, we still want a baby in the nursery and we still want to grow our family. I am grieving for Parker yet excited to celebrate this new life. Anyone who suspects that we are trying to replace one child w/ another has never lost a child. Words can't begin to describe how it's possible to be devastated and elated at the same time. Nonetheless, I still question what others will say.

If you are reading this blog and are a close friend or family member who didn't know, please don't feel left in the dark. It's not a secret but it's not an announcement either. Gossip has a way of spreading itself, so I shall let the grapevine do my work. Jarod does not know and we would really like to keep it that way for now. After the loss of Parker and Art & Ruthie, he can not bare the weight of another. We plan to tell him once we see the heartbeat. 33-34 weeks is still a very long time to wait to meet a baby brother or sister.

From the beginning, I had a feeling of doom w/ Parker's pregnancy and thoughts of her loss always raced my mind. Although I will be considered high risk and monitored much more closely, I don't have that feeling w/ this pregnancy. My due date is September 25 and I can vision myself bringing a baby home then. Of course, there are things that cross my mind and terrify me but I don't feel helpless. I found a product called "Amniosense" made by a company in the UK. It's a pantyliner which turns green when amniotic fluid touches it. It is a FDA approved product in the USA but available only by prescription. I am now the proud owner of two boxes of them, which arrived today from the UK. I hope I never need them, but the peace of mind they will bring me is all that matters. My first OB appointment is Monday, Jan 19th and I'm eagerly waiting to find out what the schedule for next eight months of my life will look like.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do w/ Parker's blog. It is her story and was started for the reasons listed above. Adding another baby to the story feels like I'm taking attention away from her. On the other hand, the two are so closely entangled. Hopefully, my readers will tell me what to do. I could always start another blog.

We quickly agreed on the name Carter Evan for a boy. Evan means "little warrior" and Chad means "warrior". I am pushing for Lainey Elyse for a girl. Bobbie pointed out the similarity between Lane/Park....Lainey/Parker and that confirmed this must be her name. (I'm pretty sure that I have Chad sold on the name as well. Don't worry, I'll win!!) Ironically, Lainey is also a form of Ellen. I strongly feel that I am pregnant w/ a girl but only time and an ultrasound will tell.

The one thing that I am absolutely sure of is that this IS my spirit baby.

We have started a new blog for baby #3 at www.crossingourfingersfor3.blogspot.com. I will continue to update Parker's blog as I feel the need to do so.